Timeless Reflections
by MonkJak58
Summary: Edward Cullen has been writing both his feelings and fears in countless journals over the years, as a way to remember his past and come to terms with the various challenges he is often faced with. Will this practice be enough to help him now?
1. Chapter 1

It's not my first shot at writing fanfiction but it's my first try with Twilight. I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: The recognizable characters and situations belong to Stephanie Meyer, in all her brilliance! The little changes and extra added ideas are all my own.

**_I sit, unmoving, in the straight nondescript wooden chair that has occupied a space in my room in every house I have ever called home._****_It was old and far from comfortable, even back when I could call it new. At the time it had been because my body had yet to grow to its full potential and therefore I didn't exactly fit the chair.  
_****_Little did I know then that I would never have the chance to truly reach my potential. If I had managed to reach my 21st birthday perhaps I might stand as tall as my brother, though I doubt I would have ever matched Emmett in overall size. There is nothing in my genetic make up to suggest that I could produce such an abundance of muscle with my generically lean frame.  
_****_I can still recall that when I'd finally gone through the growth spurt that my father had always promised was due to take place at any moment, during those times when I was feeling sullen about my runt-like status as a young boy, I had managed to grow into the chair and then some. Afterwards I found myself having to sit down lower than the normal bend of my knees and often I had to hunch over whatever work I was scribbling away at on my desk._**

**_As I sit remembering such things from my past I morn the fact that, though my height had increased and my body had thankfully been given time enough to become proportional, filling out where it was necessary, so that I would not seem awkward or clumsy as many teenagers often become, I never truly had the chance to develop into the man I should be._**

Edward let a low rumbling growl of aggravation build at the back of his throat. The words flowed freely without effort yet he knew they would not help him accomplish what he hoped his writing would provide tonight. Perhaps he must purge his anger first before finding some sense of balance.  
Taking a deep breath that he did not need, he attempted to continue, only this time hopefully in the right direction.

**_Tonight however, my discomfort comes not from this chair but from another source. The craftsmanship of my furniture no longer causes me any concern. I can stand for days on end and never tire. I can run for miles and never feel fatigue. I can rip the body of a poor unsuspecting animal in two and hardly notice it's futile attempt to resist me. That said I could easily sit in my old chair, one of the only reminders I have allowed myself to hold on to from my former life, for the remainder of my existence and never feel the discomfort such a position should provoke, for I am a vampire. A simple condition that has taken away my ability to feel any physical discomfort that a human should experience and yet one that has caused more pain, confusion and turmoil to come into my world than I could have ever fathomed possible._**

**_This chair is but a tangible reminder of what I once was, what I will always long to be again and what I know shall never come to pass. I was a boy then, full of hope and ambition. I had plans for the future, dreams of greatness and glory. All things that I still wish I had managed to accomplish but now know that I never will, even should I live a hundred lifetimes, which is entirely possible considering my current state of being._**

Edward placed the heavy writing implement he'd been using down on his desktop and slowly brought his right hand up to his face, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. It was a gesture he'd picked up from his father while still alive and one of the few human mannerisms that still came to him naturally without reason or any premeditated thought behind the movement. There was no eyestrain, no headache and certainly no drowsiness that made this position necessary. There was no condition that would be improved by it but he found himself doing this often and always wondered why. Why would what little shred of humanity he still possessed manifest itself in this way?

Grasping the pen once more he began to press on, confessing his secrets.

**_Yes, I am depressed. I do not need my multiple degrees in medicine to know this. I do not need the countless volumes, analyzing the human psyche, which litter much of my bookshelf to confirm it either. I have accepted it and understand it and will undoubtedly survive it, because I truly have no other choice. I have felt this unrelenting mental anguish for years and though a human would have succumbed to it by now with some sort of physical manifestation, I will never know that pleasure. I am not human after all. I am an abomination. I am only a creature and one that is a poor representation of the boy that I once was and the man I had longed to become. _**

He closed his eyes briefly then looked down at what he'd written and rubbed at the nonexistent crease that should have been between his eyebrows, knowing that his face was pulling into a frown, a very appropriate expression considering his mood.

It seemed wrong that one should have to consciously work to produce a face that appeared indifferent but he knew that feeling all too well. He felt as if he would frown continually if he didn't make an effort to control his facial expressions on a regular basis, something he was obligated to do, not only for his own well being but for that of his family's also.

The Cullen's were constantly under intense scrutiny and the subject of local gossip, even under the best circumstances in any place they had chosen to live at any time in the past. Having to account for the youngest son's perpetual state of depression and angst was not going to help their situation and he knew it. So he hid not only his true nature, as they were all forced to do, but his outward emotions as well.

Only here, at his desk with his journals spread out before him, with his version of therapy underway, did he ever let his guard down and allow his body to do whatever it felt like, within reason of course. Frowning was just a mild side affect of this constant state of melancholy he'd been in for as long as he could remember.

He did not wish to dwell on this subject any further since he had far more pressing issues to work through tonight, though he knew it might prove to be an important part of the process. His incessant brooding was a topic he'd gone over and over and over again, with no solution or reprieve on the horizon so he may as well move past it for now and on to the more immediate problems at hand, the look upon his face was the very least of his worries at the moment. He needed to feed once more before starting what would likely turn into a very long day, so his anger was one emotion that could be sorted out then.

He picked up the old fashioned fountain pen from where he'd let it rest once more and examined the bit of ink still clinging to the tip. He let a humorless sound escape his lips as he pondered his own thoughts. Old fashioned. It was a term that described everything about him and what he was use to, comfortable with. The pen may be old fashioned by today's standards but it was practical nonetheless.  
He knew that there had been many improvements to ink pens in the 90 years since he'd begun practicing this nightly ritual, but he still felt most comfortable with what he had known in his previous life and so his durable fountain pen, like the old wooden chair, survived and had remained in his possession through the years, as both a reminder of his past and a tool to help him move on with his future.

He wanted another moment to continue thinking, so Edward set the pen back down on the desk's surface and turned to look at the impressive stack of leather bound journals resting nearby. Years of his existence had been transcribed onto the pages contained within them. Musings about life and death, the state of his mind and body during different discoveries regarding his vampirism and all that it entailed were recorded there. The darkest moments and the few random bright spots that appeared in his world had been cataloged and obsessively reviewed over the years by the lone scribe of these journals. It was a way of remembering but also more importantly a way to insure that he never let his instincts get the better of him. He would always have proof of what he'd done, where he'd been and how he'd handled each situation he was made to face. The evidence was written in his own hand, irrefutable in that he could only deny these truths by lying to himself, something he adamantly refused to do.

He glanced back at the words he'd just been writing.

_**for I am a vampire….**_

He had no idea how many times he'd included that statement verbatim in the multiple volumes that held his personal history but he knew that it was a lot. Because he was a vampire he could easily take a few brief moments and count up the total but what would it matter. It was a true statement, one he would never deny and one he could never change. It was the very source of his discontent.

He let his eyes stray from the troubled words before him and focused again on the collection of books nearby. He didn't have to think about which one he wished to look at or use any powers of recollection to know exactly what he would find when his hand grasped the aged book resting third from the top in the nearest stack.  
This was the one journal he'd owned and kept from when he was still human. He had written in it 2 or 3 times a week as his obligations with school and various social engagements his mother had insisted upon would allow. It was yet one more thing that helped him to hold on to whatever level of humanity he still possessed. The boy he had been was clearly outlined by the random passages entered on the pages of the old worn book, which had been a gift from his grandmother several years before he'd actually seen any need to make use of it.

He opened the book to the center and let the fragile paper skim past his thumb while his sharp eyes followed the movement of the rapidly turning pages, able to catch words and phrases he'd written, the imperfections to the shape of his letters and smudges of ink, created by his human mind's predilection for taking too long to pull the right words to the surface, often causing his hand to hover uncertainly over the paper while he composed his thoughts.

He would forever lament his lack of forethought back then, that now left him with only a brief glimpse into the past that he often longed to remember with so much more detail. If only he could have known how important it would be for him to one day be able to recall what he had been like for sure. If he could remember how it was to feel human, to truly be human, he might know what to do with this present matter.  
Trying to remember himself as that boy who had painstakingly poured over the words he now read began to sharpen his depression rather than improve it. He skimmed over passages he'd written in regard to his classmates at school, friends he could barely form a picture of in his mind after all these years and pondered his next word, knowing that it wasn't safe to dwell within his present emotion for much longer.

Edward picked up his pen again, rolling it gently between his fingers, taking comfort in it familiarity, while letting the old tattered journal rest under the weight of his left hand. He could smell the ink; a scent his body both despised and craved, much the same way blood usually affected him. The sharp point of his pen began to scratch along the deceptively smooth surface of the paper, seemingly too smooth to anyone else's eyes for it to be able to create any sound at all, as he wove his internal struggle into words that he hoped would help him ferret out the best answer to his dilemma.

_**Would the years passing by, just like so many that had already, allow my most recent mental images to fade away, much like those that I now attempted to revisit? Was there any hope that the account of these challenges I now face could fill the pages of my current journal and sit safely tucked away as a mere collection of words, long forgotten after time works its magic and cleanses the terrible thoughts from my memory?**_

_**No.**_

_**I know better than to believe that these unnaturally keen senses could be so easily fooled into forgetting. The thoughts and images are forever burned into my mind and will remain there forever, haunting the remainder of my time on this earth. What is even worse is that deep down I know that I wouldn't want it any other way. I honestly long for these memories to stay with me. **__**With this revelation I begin to understand just how hopeless any attempt to resist fate might be. I am already too far-gone.**_

He paused briefly and felt for a fleeting moment like the boy that he had been so long ago. He did not need the time to think. His brain processed information at an alarming rate and his hands obeyed immediately at an equally alarming speed. He paused however, to savor the moment. He had discovered his solution and just like that he had made up his mind. What he would divulge next would forever change his future for the very best or the very worst, he know not which, but something huge was about to alter however many remaining days he had left.

He wrote out the last few lines at a pace only his vampire abilities could manage, a pace he never allowed himself use while writing. He was fearful though that time might make his resolve falter and so he made an exception.

_"We're almost home Edward."_

Edward closed his eyes and let the pen finally rest in the crease of his journal after completing the task.

_"Congratulations. You're doing the right thing, you know."_

It was Alice.

He fought the urge for only a brief moment but relented and let his body respond to the words he so desperately needed to hear. His mouth, that had been drawn and tense, started to loosen and he felt the tug of a smile begin to form.

They were wonderful to him, his family. They may not always understand him or necessarily agree with him, but tonight they had allowed him the freedom he needed to really think. They knew that it was a much harder task for him to handle than the average being. Having the random thoughts of everyone in close proximity bouncing around in your head makes it difficult to not confuse someone else's ideas with your own. The pressure he was under to confront his concerns tonight would certainly not be improved by any additional complications. So his family lovingly stepped out for the night, being sure to travel far enough away so that Edward would be left alone with his uninterrupted worries.

By warning him that they were almost home Edward knew that he was finished for now. He'd made his decision and it would soon be time to put this plan into affect. He glanced out the large windows that made up the far wall of his room and noted the first hint of sunrise trying to push through the eastern cloudbank. He had but a few short hours before he would suddenly be in a position to put his declarations into practice, which forced an overwhelming emotion to surface. Something he recognized but had literally not experienced in decades.  
Edward Cullen was nervous.

He glanced one last time at his writings, letting his eyes quickly reread his unspoken promise, and instantly felt stronger for having written the words. He gently set the pen aside and closed the book, repeating his new mantra once more in his mind.

_**What I am can never be changed, what I was I can never truly be again. This I know and though I fully accept the hardships and challenges that my situation demands, I will overcome what I am. I vow to finally be that man that I was never allowed to become. I will strive to hold onto whatever part of my human nature I still have within me and relearn what my condition has forced me to ignore and neglect.  
**__**I am a vampire but I am also a man. I will not give up until I have explored my options and tested the boundaries of what I could possibly be. I have done without for so long. I will not deny what I am but I will not remain a slave to what it has forced me to accept.  
**__**I will never forgive myself should this plan go awry, however I have reconciled that I am weak and selfish to a fault. I will proceed carefully but I will proceed. I will return to school and I will speak to Bella Swan. I will endeavor to learn what it is that makes me crave her so and work to quiet the unrelenting questions that plague my cold dead heart.**_


	2. Chapter 2

Well it's no surprise that my story has taken on a life of its own. They generally have a way of doing that more often than not.

The original idea was to have most chapters revolving around Edward's random journal entries and what he was thinking and doing while writing. I still intend to follow that basic formula for the most part, but I just couldn't resist throwing this chapter in along the way.

And a big thanks to those that have decided to give this story a chance **hugs**

Chapter 2

His drive home was completed in record time, quite a feat considering his penchant for speed. He was so upset with his cowardly behavior that he could hardly temper his reaction. Speeding along the roads leading the way back to his sanctuary was the least of his concerns at the moment.

He pulled up to the front of the house knowing he'd have to return in a few hours to save himself the wrath of his siblings, should they find themselves without a ride home this afternoon and though he knew Alice would fill them in on his moment of panic, it would do little to appease the inconvenience of having to wait around after the final bell. Besides that, he knew all too well that Rosalie, in particular, was not feeling very accommodating towards his issues right now and didn't feel much like hearing for the thousandth time just how ridiculous he was being.

After forcing himself out of the car he walked slowly towards the front door, making no effort to control his pace; the weight of his worries seemed to make the human speed at which he moved come naturally much the same way it made the two journals held in his left hand as he let himself in, feel as though they were made of lead.

He made his way upstairs at the same sluggish pace and sat heavily in his chair staring at the pile of journals he'd left behind only a short while ago. He set his current journal on the desktop and opened it to the entry he'd penned last night.

_**I will return to school and I will speak to Bella Swan. I will endeavor to learn what it is that makes me crave her so and work to quiet the unrelenting questions that plague my cold dead heart.**_

Edward read the words that he had written with such resolve and felt even weaker for having run from his fears.

_**I am a vampire but I am also a man.**_

But there it was in plain English, the very reason he felt like some unknown force was pulling him back and forth, threatening to tear him in two. The vampire in him was begging for the chance to be near her, to be in any position that might let temptation overwhelm him and allow the human conscience he still possessed to be silenced for good by the unrelenting desire for her blood.  
Conversely the man that he was wanted nothing more than to unlock the mystery that was her mind. He had never been so intrigued by another person. He wished to learn everything about her, not only to silence his concerns about not being able to "hear" her but because he was genuinely interested in knowing her. She looked at him with such confusion and concern that he needed to know what her feelings towards him might be. He knew she would be hurt by the way he'd reacted that first day and he felt an intense urge to make things right, though he had no idea how to go about it.

**_I begin to understand just how hopeless any attempt to resist fate might be. I am already too far-gone._**

As he stared at those words, he knew without a doubt that this simple passage was one of the most honest confessions he'd ever felt compelled to write.

Turning the page without another thought, he began the recap of events that had lead him to return home.

_**I recall closing the old journal in frustration and tossing it into the passenger seat. I felt absolutely crippled by this feeling of inadequacy. **_

_**My plan had been so simple. I would join my family at school today, check in at the office and explain my absence before making my way to first period to pick up the monotonous daily routine right where I'd left off as if all was normal once again.  
**__**I figured that I would be fine until lunch, but even then I could always take comfort in my family's presence.  
**__**Alice had assured me over and over, just as she had still been attempting to do as I sat, frozen by fear and indecision in my car, that things would be fine today and that I had little to worry about. Jasper had even offered his assistance as much as possible, trying to calm my nerves during the entire ride to school this morning. Though I still secretly suspect that it might have been for his own benefit. Not that I could blame him. I know that I would not wish this level of anxiety on anyone, which makes me feel guilty for subjecting my brother to such a harsh mix of emotions, which only served to compound the problem at the time. **_

_**My real test would have been in Biology, the moment when I would have to sit next to her. The moment when I would feel her heat, taste her scent and be forced to look upon her beauty once again.  
**__**Being in her presence was something that I'd discovered during my absence, that I both craved and feared. She embodied all of the things that I never knew I'd been searching for and all of the things I'd hoped that I would never have to endure. **_

Edward made a conscious effort to unclench his left fist that was literally shaking due to the force he was asserting in an attempt to control his emotions. He was wishing that Jasper were close by all of a sudden. Anything to calm this raging mixture of self-hate and confusion within him would be a blessing at this point.

_**She is a mystery to me. I cannot hear her thoughts or know her feelings and that fact is slowly driving me towards insanity. I've become so use to relying on my extra abilities in order to know other people's reactions to my presence that I am completely out of my comfort zone when faced with the challenge of getting to know someone the traditional way.**_

_**I remember glancing with disgust towards the old journal sitting next to me. It was embarrassing to know just how much I tended to rely on those passages that I had written so long ago to see me through situations that I feel so inept to otherwise handle on my own. I often feel much like a child, clutching a security blanket in order to cope with what I hope are only irrational fears. **_

Edward tossed his favorite fountain pen down in frustration. His normally flawless penmanship strangely resembled that of the boy who'd written the words that now mocked his every attempt at becoming the man he longed to be.

For a man that had existed for as long as he had it was ridiculous to think that he wouldn't know how to hold a conversation with a girl, but he knew all the same that he was sorely out of practice.

He only spoke to humans when absolutely necessary, in order to keep up appearances and usually that only pertained to people in authority at school, or those he had to communicate with to accomplish everyday tasks that were still necessary in order to live as a part of society. This was a part of the charade that he'd become very proficient with though it was always something that he dreaded doing.  
It had been decades since he had felt compelled to befriend a human and even when he had been human himself he'd often been too shy or too disinterested to make the effort, which left him with very little knowledge of where to begin and not much in the way of experience to draw from either.

The brief entry pertaining to the one female admirer he'd had during his human adolescence certainly did nothing to help him today. He couldn't even remember her ever existing in the first place and had only managed to come across the account in his journal thanks to his ravenous search for anything that might help him formulate a game plan as to how he should pursue this conversation he needed to have with Bella.  
The passage however, only served to remind him that he had no idea how to go about what he was finally willing to attempt. He had been ill equipped to handle the necessary interaction it required then and with the obvious complications his vampirism added to the mix, he felt positively incapable now.

_**Mary Rollins spoke to me again today. That makes 10 days in a row now that I have had to politely decline her advances. And though she makes every effort to seem casually indifferent it is very apparent that she is hoping I might offer to call on her in the near future. Wouldn't mother be pleased if I suddenly showed some interest in one such as Mary.  
**__**She is from a good family; her father has a substantial income while her mother is one of the few ladies in town that can best my own mother's cooking abilities. She is polite and proper, exactly the type of girl that would make both of my parents exceedingly proud, if I were to indicate any sort of feelings towards her.  
**__**But this will never be the case. Although she is pleasant enough and according to Thomas, nice to look at, I don't feel any desire to put forth the effort, especially considering that I would not actually know what to say to her even if I did have any hope of befriending her in that way.**_

The very words that had turned his courage this morning into nothing more than a fleeting dream, looked up at him from where he'd allowed them to rest on his desk next to the journal he'd been pouring over since his hasty return from school. It was after reading these lines over and over, once he had found the passage, that he knew he would have to make a decision, he would either give up and go home to think this through some more or he would swallow his fears and get on with the plan. He did not like to fail when given a task and he knew that allowing himself to admit his short comings in this matter was not something he was prepared to do, just yet, however, stuck for only a brief second in his indecision Edward had given into his cowardly instinct and started the Volvo's engine.

The ride home is what allowed him the time to realize just how ironically fitting it was that he apparently still had essentially the same limited level of social skills that his outward appearance would indicate, even though he should be an old man by now, if he had been allowed to age appropriately, which did absolutely nothing to improve his mood.

Edward stood finally and began to pace the room while continuing to let his thoughts wander. He saw no further need to continue writing down the troublesome discoveries from his morning, just so that they might continue to haunt him during the many long, sleepless nights he had to look forward to.

The original thought was that it might prove helpful to write some more when he'd initially retreated here to his room but now he just wanted to sit and sulk. He went back to his desk and closed the journals as he stettled into his chair once more, so that the words would no longer be there taunting him, though his mind continued to incessantly review everything he'd already thought of today.

He needed as distraction.

He stood abruptly, no longer willing to suffer the self inflicted torture of dwelling on this topic, and went in search of the only other vice that served to calm his worries when he felt like his world was falling apart.

"_Edward dear, is everything ok?" _

Edward had known from the moment that he'd arrived back at the house that Esme was home; busy with her sketches in the office where she liked to create her designs, but he didn't have to worry that she would be disturbed by his presence in the house nor would she interrupt him in his own search for privacy. She was the epitome of love and kindness, the one member of his family besides Jasper that could always calm him when he needed it most. He was actually happy to know that he wasn't really alone.

"Just having a bit of a rough morning, but I'll be fine." He replied to the question that had come to him via her thoughts.

He responded in a normal tone of voice, knowing that she would be able to hear him, while also hoping that he'd kept his voice indifferent enough that she wouldn't hear the fact that he was trying to convince himself that he was telling the truth right along with her, by saying the words aloud.

"_I'm here if you need me. You know that." _

The thought was indeed something that he was very well aware of and yet hearing her offer the comfort that he was so desperately craving at the moment was something that touched him deeply.

One thing that Edward never had to struggle to remember was the intense amount of love and respect he'd held for his human parents and likewise the one thing that he'd never regretted about his new situation was the pair of foster parents he'd inherited as part of the arrangement necessary to keep their family's secret. Esme was in fact everything a person would wish for in a mother.

"I just need a little more time," he sighed while taking his seat on the piano bench, a position he'd neglected as of late.

Her thoughts went back to her work, leaving him to focus on his problems without the interference that might hinder his ability to think.  
Only when his hands had finally settled over the keys and he began to play a random medley of his favorite songs, in hopes that he might stumble upon something that could calm him and allow him to think a bit more clearly, did her thoughts once again focus on his presence.

"_It's been too long."_

He could almost hear a smile in the voice that she'd used to project her thoughts and it made him smile along with her.

"Will you come sit with me for awhile?" he asked softly, after a moment, while continuing to smile down at his fingers gently caressing each note, once he'd consciously decided to play one of their common favorites.

She never hesitated or responded verbally, she just appeared at his side in the blink of an eye.  
Edward glanced towards the woman that he truly considered his mother in so many ways and smiled a bit more brightly. It was one of the few genuine smiles he'd been able to produce for many weeks now.

They sat quietly enjoying the music until the song came to its inevitable end at which point Edward bowed his head slightly and let his hands rest in his lap before speaking quietly, in hopes that this dear woman beside him might be able to help.

"I'm so afraid that I feel like I can hardly manage to function. If I think for one second that I might end up hurting her I can't force myself to do anything other than run away."

Esme placed her hand gently on his knee as he confessed his troubles to her. She loved that Edward was comfortable enough to share his concerns and that he looked to her for guidance in this matter, it made her feel so much like the mother that she wanted to be.

"I've never wanted a human's blood so much before and at the same time I've never longed to know a human the way that I want to know her."

She could see the amount of pain that these words caused him and it made her long to take away that look and replace it with nothing but hope and happiness.

"We all struggle with our thirst at times," she assured him, though she already knew that he understood that fact well enough. "But I don't think that your thirst is the problem that it once was where Bella is concerned."

Edward lifted his eyes, allowing her to see both the hope and the disbelief that her words had summoned.

"When a man is in love with a woman he can overcome incredible obstacles to become the man that she deserves." She clarified.

"I'm not in love with her. I don't even know her." He denied.

"The way you are punishing yourself over the concern for her welfare says something entirely different. If she were just any other human, as much as we strive to avoid the occasional lapse in control, you would not torture yourself this way unless there was something else at work here."

In that moment Edward suddenly knew what it was like for everyone else to be in his presence, what it felt like to have your secret thoughts laid out in front of someone without your permission. She could see right through his façade and had practically voice the very words that had been running around inside of head for the past few days.

"I don't know how to approach her."

He had made an impulsive decision to seek her advice in this matter. He knew that, like Alice, Esme was so excited by the prospect of him finally finding some sense of happiness, that she would do whatever was necessary to help him. It was also helpful to know that Esme was both female and the only vampire he'd ever known that still possessed so many human-like qualities. If anyone could give him sound advice in this matter it would likely be her.

"I've never approached a girl in hopes of her liking me, or even wanting to speak to me in return really."

Esme smiled indulgently at the beautiful boy beside her, controlling her thoughts as best she could so as not to offend him, but he could be really dense for someone so intelligent.

"You know the thoughts of every female around you, both human and vampire alike. Even though you are unable to hear Bella's mind you should take into consideration that the thoughts you can hear are usually very similar. The odds are in your favor that she will not require very much persuasion to want to speak to you. The only thing you need worry about is not making her so nervous that you render her incapable of forming words."

He could hear the musical laughter in her thoughts as she finished speaking, though she was careful not to let her amusement literally surface.  
He'd learned long ago to ignore much of what he could "hear" that he was not meant to and therefore he chose to move on and explain his position further. Despite the mild level of discomfort he felt discussing this subject matter with Esme he was in fact feeling some relief, having verbalized his concerns, the ones he knew he had very little hope of understanding on his own, to such a sympathetic party.

"Esme, I know what you are saying and I understand that she should be attracted to me, but I don't want her to just see me that way." He wasn't entirely sure he was making himself clear but he had no other way to describe the urge he felt to let her see him for what he really was, not the vampire of course, but the person beneath the surface.

"You forget how easy our human tendencies are to recall because you have no mate to practice affection with." Emse concluded, aloud for his benefit, so that he wouldn't ignore it as an idle thought, though she still worried that the statement might offend.

She knew that only she and Alice had ever embraced him in any sort of loving gesture that he did not flinch away from and based on his confession here today, she realized that this stemmed not only from a lack of practice since becoming a vampire but from never having been in a position to share any level of intimacy with a woman while human either. Because of his maturity it was often easy to forget just how young he'd been when he was turned. And when she saw that he all but rolled his eyes at her choice of words, she knew that her statement was very true indeed.

Seeing the reaction, one that was very human, Esme decided that it was time to give him the advice she truly wished to pass along.

"Edward darling, you were raised during a time when men were taught to respect women, to care for and protect them at all costs. You are a gentleman in ever sense of the word and a boy that has not forgotten the values that your parents lovingly instilled in you. Before you even attempt to deny it," she held up a hand to stall his protest that she could see was about to surface, "ask yourself, why you still feel compelled to open doors for your sisters and myself, why you often reprimand Emmett for his crude humor in our presence and why you are so concerned with the impression you have made in the eyes of this particular human."

Edward still felt the protest ready to leave his lips but he continued to hold back when he saw that she was not finished yet.

"You will not harm this girl, Edward. I do not have the abilities that Alice does but I am just a certain, possibly more so, because I know the type of man that you are. I know that you will not allow any harm to come to Bella because the need to take care of her, to protect her, is far greater than the need the vampire within you has for her blood. Show her the human side that you still possess, the gentleman that your mother would be proud of, that I am proud of, and you will be just fine."

"I'm still nervous to talk to her. What do I say?" he whispered, unable to argue with what she had just said in the end.

Esme smiled again. He was being a normal boy for once and here he was looking for motherly advice about a girl. She could practically feel herself shaking with satisfaction.

"You will be seeing her in class. Perhaps you can discuss the assignment for the day, but first I would suggest you apologize for your behavior from before. Be sure to introduce yourself and indicate that you are open to anything she'd like to say. She will be more receptive to conversation if you show that you are really trying to start over."

Edward shook his head as he pondered her words. Why hadn't he been able to come up with that on his own? He leaned over and placed a kiss on Esme's cheek in a gesture of thanks. He was still nervous but the answers had come so easily for her that it encouraged him to believe that she was indeed right. He would not harm Bella; he cared too much for her safety. And perhaps he could learn to talk to her as a friend; he had after all had the urge to show his mother gratitude for her help in the form of a kiss, a very human response.

He had made the decision to talk to her, now all he had to do was force himself to act on it.  
With Esme's encouragement and a real place to start, he leapt from the piano bench and sprinted out to his Volvo, resolved to put his plan into affect.  
Finally.

Esme sat for a moment listening to the sound of car's engine until it faded into the distance. She then rose and headed back to her office to continue working, anxious to occupy her time until Edward would return from school, shamelessly hoping that he might seek her out again and give her good news regarding his progress with Bella.

**** As some of you know I have a better understanding than most as of late of just how important a mother's comfort and advice can be for a person suffering any sort of difficulty. I just had to let Edward feel that love and appreciate what Esme could offer. Trust me, no one gives better advice than mom.


	3. Chapter 3

Once again thanks to all of those that have given this story a chance and thanks in advance for your patience as I take the time to work out all those little details as we go along.  
Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 3

Edward had always refused to mark dates on the entries in his journals. He didn't care to necessarily remember the specific date of events that he might recall at a later time, he was more concerned with knowing the emotions and responses he'd felt prone to at that moment. He couldn't seem to force himself to relinquish the torment or ignore the pain and therefore he continued to obsessively pursue this practice of writing, however he did have that small bit of control left. He could purposefully deny himself the knowledge of time. Be it years, decades or even mere hours that had passed, he would not be able to simply pinpoint an exact moment in his history by reading a date and no matter how detailed his reflections had become he would only know that it had indeed happened, but not exactly when.

Despite this small handicap that he'd imposed upon himself he still knew that he would always remember certain times and certain details whether they had been dated or not, and he knew he'd never forget the exact moment that the situation, detailed in the text that he now studied, had occurred. This particular memory came to him with an unwelcome amount of clarity, just like so many of the most unpleasant moments of his existence.

It was April 12th 1931, and Edward had only been back, living with Carlisle and Esme, adhering to the "vegetarian" lifestyle that was so uncommon for their kind, for just a few short months. He knew that he was not entirely back to his old self but he had been feeding off of animals for long enough by then that his eye color was once again a rich golden hue and he no longer had such difficulty controlling his thirst when in close proximity to humans.

That is what he believed at least, until his "parents" had insisted that he join them for a night out in town.  
They had determined that living under the guise of a real family would be in their best interests and it seemed only fitting that the new young doctor in town, and his wife, would be accompanied by their son on occasion, for a family outing.

_**I was following along obediently, just a few steps behind Carlisle and Esme, who strolled arm in arm down the quiet main street. It was relatively late by the time the movie had ended and most of the other people in town had already retired for the evening. I could hear very few thoughts, which meant that we were basically alone as we made our way back to the car, parked at the end of the block. Esme and Carlisle's thoughts were, as usual, about each other, though an occasional thought about how pleased they were that I had agreed to join them tonight was added to the mix. For Esme at least, it was as if my return had given her back the family that she'd always longed for and I was happy to be accepted as her son, though I felt terribly undeserving of her affection after all of the choices I'd made recently. I could not deny that it was nice to feel appreciated and wanted again, it was a feeling that made me smile unconsciously and something that I had sorely missed during my time alone.**_

_**Quiet as it was, I found myself getting blissfully lost in thoughts of my own, a luxury that I rarely get to enjoy, when I suddenly noticed a voice in my head that I didn't not recognize and yet one that I could not ignore. **_

_**I had been moving at a casual pace to match Carlisle's, something he is much better at than I, my hands shoved indifferently into my pockets to further the believability of the act, when a cry for help startled me, though it was silent to everyone else but myself. **_

_**I froze. **_

_**I could not determine where this person was or what I was supposed to do in this situation.  
**__**Several months before while I was hunting humans to sustain myself, such a cry could have been an invitation to dinner, but now it could mean so many things.  
**__**I focused all of my energy on the voice, trying my best to figure out the meaning behind the plea.  
**__**Did it truly mean that this woman was in danger from a predator of sorts or was it a simple reflex to a situation that required no interference? **_

_**I quietly, in a voice that only they could hear, warned Carlisle and Esme that something was amiss. **_

_**I saw a look of concern in Esme's eyes, while seeing the same look plus a hint of warning in Carlisle's. I didn't know what else to tell them except for the truth, that there was a woman in distress calling for help but that I could not determine the source of her fear. I could hear Esme's thoughts begin to worry and Carlisle's attempt at deciding what we should do, if anything at all. **_

_**It was all too slow for my liking and I decided to act. I finally recognized the location in this person's mind and knew that it was only a short distance away. I made it to the alleyway quickly, being sure to avoid any undue attention from the few random people still milling about at the late hour. **_

_**When I came to a stop, I instantly regretted my hesitation. There was a panicked cry, one that I heard both mentally and aloud this time.  
Then all that followed was silence. **_

_**There in the alley stood a man, much older than I appeared to be, bent over the woman whose voice had been suddenly silenced by her death. The smell of her freshly spilt blood was making the venom pool rapidly in my mouth as I fought the urge to avenge her murder with great difficulty. Every muscle in my body was taut and coiled, ready to spring forth and claim my prey, yet this was no longer my job, no longer what I allowed myself to do. I would not let my parents down and revert back into that horrible creature that I had allowed myself to become. More importantly I would not let myself down and give in to what the monster within me wanted so desperately.  
She was already gone and killing this vile man to protect her was no longer necessary, I had already failed in that venture. I would not feed off of an innocent and I did not require the blood of her killer to nourish my body, no matter how desperately the demon half of my soul longed for it. So, I was made to resist the urge to seek vengeance and selfishly placate my thirst in the process. I would have to seek justice for this woman's demise the right way.**_

_**The man had finally noticed my unmoving presence then and I was drawn from my internal struggle by what I'm sure he thought was a menacing approach. I must have looked appropriately shocked because the man seemed pleased with the expression I was wearing. He didn't need to know that I did not fear for my life, nor did he need to know that my expression was directly related instead to what I could hear going on inside of his head.**_

_**I have been cursed with this gift for 13 years and in all of that time I have never encountered such a jumbled mess of a mind. It was as if there were six or seven separate people all arguing amongst themselves and yet all were unfairly trapped inside of this one man's head. The thoughts were incomplete and irrational at best, so many voices talking over one another that I felt sure, should I allow myself to pay attention to them all for very long, that I would be driven mad by the exhausting nature of it all.**_

_**Eventually, the majority of those voices won out and the bloody blade of the knife, still clutched in the man's hand, made to penetrate my abdomen but even distracted as I was, I still had the presence of mind to sidestep his motion. I must have moved too quickly because in that moment all of the thoughts in this man's head ceased to exist. He finally looked up at me with some sense of clarity for the first time and he began to back away slowly, keeping an eye trained on me while returning to his victim. **_

_**He made quick work of taking what possessions of value the woman had on her person and started to look for the best way to retreat. As luck would have it, his only escape was situated behind me, which meant he would be forced to approach once again.**_

_**I recall smiling at him for a moment and his expression became understandably surprised. The voices returned then with rapid fire questions that I could not decipher yet I sensed a bit of relief, like he felt some sense of accomplishment for not having run away, giving up the spoils of his crime. I was but an insignificant distraction, something his warped mind chose to ignore and regard only as a meddling boy he need not concern himself with. **_

_**Upon his arrival, Carlisle's words changed the man's expression markedly. He spoke so calmly when confronting him that I felt a sudden surge of jealousy, something that I have never allowed to surface when dealing with my father. **_

_**With the overwhelming stench of blood consuming the area, it was no wonder that he was able to find the place that I had taken off to, however the fact that he felt a need to check up on me was both comforting and aggravating at the same time. First I felt his love and concern, something that made his presence very welcome. Then I realized that his fear of what I might be capable of if left alone to deal with this situation made me angry, though in hindsight I know that his fears were well grounded. I had done very little over the past few years to warrant any level of confidence from him and I must accept the consequences. I also know that my first instinct upon seeing the situation for what it was would have meant more than just the untimely death of one unfortunate human tonight.**_

_**So after the scene was secured and a patrolman took statements from both Carlisle and myself, the man was taken away and the body of the poor woman, that I had been too indecisive to save, was covered until the authorities could finish clearing the area. I stood by watching the activity with an enormous feeling of guilt.**_

_**What I wouldn't give for a chance to relive the events of earlier this evening. If I had been able to act sooner, if I had the confidence to intervene in a way that Carlisle might have, that poor woman would still be alive. I would be a hero and not the coward that I feel like suddenly, nothing more than a pathetic creature too afraid of my own instincts to respond to another person's need, for fear of not being able to control myself. **_

_**What good is the gift of being able to hear the thoughts of others; if I can do nothing more than ignore them? **_

Edward let the guilt wash over him all over again. He would learn days later that the woman in the alley that night was only a year older than himself, a young woman who'd taken a job working at the café down the street to help make ends meet, since her father had been laid off from his job. Her mother was busy at home with her 4 younger siblings, her brothers all still too young to find any form of work. And so it had fallen to her, as the oldest, to seek a job and help the family, although she was of an age that she should be considering marriage and a family of her own rather than taking on the burden of her parent's hardships.

She was a pretty girl he recalled, while looking out at the night sky, trying in vain to focus on anything else for a moment. She had long brown hair and smooth pale skin that had yet to be blemished by the undue stress her life was apparently under. What always stood out in his mind was the flat lifeless stare upon her face that he'd seen when he'd forced himself to take a good look at her body that night. Her eyes were dark and expressionless yet they held such wisdom. Almost like her life's experiences were trapped there for all to see even after death.

He would not retell the story that he'd come here to find in order to provide an explanation for his family, though he had his suspicions that Carlisle and Esme remembered that night and knew that it may have something to do with the way he'd pulled away this afternoon, when the questions and accusations had begun to get out of hand.

He'd promised himself back then that he would not second-guess himself if ever faced with such a situation in the future. The guilt of taking a life in order to save another when the life he was compelled to save was one such as the young girl he'd been unable to protect that night, was far less troublesome than the guilt he lived with knowing that the life that was taken during his moment of weakness was something so precious and important to so many. He knew better how to handle his hunger now and the years of experience he had behind him gave better insight as to how he might approach a similar situation differently, but surprisingly he'd not had to make such a decision in all of the years that had passed since, until today.

He was proud that he didn't hesitate this time around and yet he felt guilty all the same, since there was always some aspect of a situation that he had not counted on. The guilt this time was for the potential danger his actions could likely force upon his family.

He'd done it. He'd spoken to Bella and though he felt some sense of accomplishment by clearing that particular hurdle he was just as confounded by her mental silence as he had always been.

She was quite intelligent for a human, which was a very pleasant discovery. So intelligent in fact that she knew there was something troubling about him that she could not quite put her finger on but something she felt compelled to figure out.  
He'd recognized her curiosity and felt like he'd taken the appropriate measures to protect the truth, only to have all for his hard work undermined by a fast moving van and those always too slow human reflexes.

He picked up another of his journal and smiled seeing the light, happy entry he scribbled down the night before. Regardless of his feeling tonight he would always look back at this passage with a certain fondness.

He had been so excited about the conversation he'd had with Bella. It had been such a sweet combination of torture and discovery. She didn't seem to hate him as he feared she might, and he didn't have as difficult a time as he assumed he would speaking to her. He felt hopeful for the first time in decades.  
He found himself looking forward to school for the first time ever, just this morning and it had everything to do with Bella and the conversation that he wished to continue today. It was utterly freeing to know that this was possible and he might actually be capable of something so human as a friendship with someone so unlike himself because as awkward and frustrating as their communication had been, it provided an unexpected feeling of relief nonetheless.

Alice and Emse had both given him warm encouraging looks this morning as he made his way downstairs but he chose to ignore them, he was far too happy to bother being embarrassed by their obvious amusement.

While on the way to school he made the decision to wait for Bella this morning in the parking lot and had actually laughed out loud when he saw Alice begin to excitedly dance around in her seat, her foresight allowing her to know his intentions the moment he'd decided. If Alice was this happy about his involvement with Bella then surely he wasn't in any immediate danger of loosing the control he'd struggled with over the past several weeks he decided.

The others were ready to go inside shortly after their arrival but he was prepared to stay behind, much to Alice's delight. It was only a moment later when his whole world took a wrong turn and he saw the very reason for his happiness in imminent danger.

There was no time to think, no time to choose and no other choice available in his mind than the one he'd been forced to act upon. He would not lose her. He would not allow the guilt to overtake him as it had done in the past, he would not second-guess his actions this time.

He'd saved Bella's life and potentially endangered every other person he cared about in the process.

She knew that something inexplicable had occurred and yet she said nothing, she knew that he'd been there beside her much too fast and that he'd done the physically impossible by stopping the van's progress, all the while protecting her fragile little body with his own. She knew that he was different and yet she accepted it. She wanted an explanation but she was willing to trust him and wait until he was ready. She was incomprehensibly amazing.

Edward held his head in his hands, his elbows resting on his knees, while he contemplated what he should do now. Some of his family had suggested moving, some suggested eliminating the threat of exposure, and the rest seemed content to let things play out as they may for the time being.

He hated the position he'd unwittingly put them in but he hated the prospect of Bella being exposed to his true nature even more. What would she think if he was ever forced to tell her the truth? Would she be so calm and accepting of him then?

He'd been foolish to think that he could get so close to a human, to befriend someone so unlike himself and not put that person at risk. He did not have any control over the unfortunate happenings this morning, but he had acted on instinct, an instinct that could have exposed them all and ultimately ruined any chance he might have had to get to know Bella better. That same instinct had saved her however and he was comforted to know that she was alive and well, hopefully tucked into her warm bed tonight, just a few miles away, sleeping peacefully.

Edward closed his eyes and ran a hand through his tousled hair picturing the look she had given him once more. There was a mixture of awe and gratitude pooled in her deep brown eyes as she looked up at him hovering over her, while the inviting warmth of her body was pressed firmly against him threatening to burn his skin. It was the single most exquisite feeling he'd ever experienced.

He stood while closing the journals, cluttering his desktop and turned to leave the confines of his room. He could pour over the events of earlier today for the rest of eternity and never find what he would ever consider a better option. He'd saved her and he was glad. He knew now that he would never want to live in a world where she did not exist. For the sake of his family he would pull away and be patient, remaining ever watchful for any sign that their charade might be compromised by what she had witnessed.

He looked back at his desk and decided that he would write later, when he could better organize his feelings, for now the images and memories were fresh in his mind. He certainly wouldn't need to date the entry he was pondering. There was little danger of him ever forgetting the fear and relief he'd felt today or the guilt that had consumed him after the fact. Just like that night so many years ago, he had decisions to make, decisions that might change the way he forever looked at certain situations from now on.

Soon after leaving the house he found himself standing along the side of the road, directly across from her father's home. He didn't have a particular destination in mind when he'd decided to go for a run to help clear his head but it didn't exactly surprise him find that he'd apparently been subconsciously drawn to her.

He'd crossed a line today. He knew that now. He was forever bound to Bella in a way that he never expected to be. He would forever be her protector.

He smiled up at her window and took a deep breath. It was an action meant to calm him and he was pleased to know that it did, despite being about to recognize her intoxicating scent from so far away. It served as a reminder that he had done his job; she was alive tonight because of him. It also reminded him that his greatest challenge would always be protecting her from the one thing he loathed the most.  
Himself.


	4. Chapter 4

Hope you enjoy the first look into Edward's true feelings for Bella

Chapter 4

_**Pride is not an emotion I am very familiar with after all of this time. I've had nothing to be proud of for so long.  
**__**And yet I suppose, if were anybody else, I could take pride in the various accomplishments that I've had over the years. I've graduated, with honors, from high school more times than I care to count. Additionally, I've been through colleges and universities around the world, expanding my level of education above and beyond that which most people would ever dream of even attempting. **_

_**I know that, had I remained human, I might have taken pride in such distinction, however I would have never had the time, energy or even the financial means to pursue such things. Had I remained human I would have likely finished what was considered a minimally acceptable education and moved on to whatever else my life might have had in store for me**_. _**This realization will always taint what little pride I might have had for these accomplishments under any other circumstance, since my inability to age, along with the equally frustrating inability to sleep are what is directly responsible for my outrageous level of education. **_

_**But what else can I really do with my time? There are very few options available for someone that appears to be all of 17 years old. The nomadic lifestyle that so many of my kind adhere to would be an option though it has never appealed to me. Despite the constant chatter in my mind that I must endure I do not wish to live like that. I am often frustrated by my family and the human presence we surround ourselves with but I know that if I no longer had them I would feel terribly alone and far more prone to giving into those animalistic tendencies we try so hard to quell.  
**__**And it is obvious that I cannot afford to draw attention to myself by practicing any one of my many degrees in a public setting. Humans would be far too reluctant to trust a teenaged doctor with their care, no matter how competent or compelling I might seem to them. And though Alice has quite a talent when it comes to creating an older appearance for us when needed, it just isn't a viable option, or one I'm willing to pursue at least.  
**__**Likewise, I cannot publicly showcase my musical abilities either, though it would seem a far more reasonable occupation for someone of my apparent age, especially today, considering that it again would defeat the purpose of keeping my self and my kind out of the spotlight. **_

_**So a student I must remain, repetitiously "learning" knowledge that will only serve to make the next year's "learning" all the more mundane, never allowing that sense of pride that one might feel having gained yet another year of education. **_

Edward realized that once again he was getting off on yet another long-winded tangent about how frustratingly unfair his situation was. He wasn't going to let it bother him tonight though, he instead just smiled at his own neurotic tendencies and let the subject go in favor of the real purpose behind his writing at the moment.

_**No, pride is not something I am accustomed to. And yet when I consider the alternative outcome had I not been there or had I been too indecisive to act that day, I am indeed proud that I was and that I actually had the ability to intervene.**_

Edward looked up from his journal and smiled. He was scribbling away, just as he'd always done, pouring his most intimate feelings, concerns, and fears into the entry in an attempt to purge the undying torment he felt from his cursed situation.  
At any other time, in any other place, he might have felt upset or confused by the words but he knew that here and now he could handle almost anything.

He crossed his right foot over his left knee and adjusted the placement of his journal before continuing. He took a deep breath and smiled even brighter.

_**I should not dwell on what might have been any longer. I have a future. It is one that I don't believe that I ever truly wished for, and one that just a few short weeks ago I would have never thought possible. But here I am, about to pursue something that my heart desires to the fullest and something that frightens me beyond all imagination. This is something that I am currently unable to deny myself even though it might be for the best if I could. Instead of the reluctance that I should feel, I am hopeful for the first time in decades, an emotion much like pride that I have not known for so long.**_

_**I feel like it is quickly becoming something that I cannot bear, this attraction that I have for Bella. I have done my best to remain indifferent to her presence and avoid any further contact that might compromise my family's secrets. Yet I now understand that I was doomed to fail all along. I cannot stay away because ultimately I do not wish to. I must address this growing obsession that I have developed for my own good and for hers.**_

_**I was concerned, at first, that it was the thirst for her blood that drove me to this extreme but I now understand that it goes much deeper than that. My every thought is centered on her. What she is doing, whom she is talking to, how she does she respond to the actions of others? Is she happy, or sad, or frightened? I want to know everything about her.  
**__**In retrospect, I know that I might have faired better if I had just stayed in that night like always, brooding over the troubles I'd been made to face, but such was not the case.**_

_**It was the night that I found myself standing outside, across the street from her father's house. It was a night that I made many decisions; a night that I finally chose to move forward regardless of the potential consequences. That night was when I had realized that I was truly tired. It wasn't a physical sensation but more a mental fatigue that I was feeling. I was over thinking things as always, but these thoughts were wearing on me like no others had ever done before.  
**__**I'd waited and I'd watched; I'd practiced all of the patience that I was prepared to and now I was going to finally let go and allow myself a chance, a chance to at least try, because I could not deny that I was envious of all those vying for her attention. She said no so frequently that I was beginning to wonder if she was even capable of saying yes.  
What if she might say yes to me?**_

Edward felt a tightening in his stomach, a feeling he'd once again become familiar with over the past several weeks. His body was responding to how nervous his thoughts were making him. He swallowed down the venom that was annoyingly ever present, and expelled the breath which he'd been holding in for a little longer than was comfortable before pressing on.

_**I honestly do not recall the reason I'd felt so drawn to that place at the time, but once there all I could do was think of her. How happy I'd felt knowing that she was there, alive and well, because of me. I could not pry myself away from that spot even though I'd tried. I truly did.  
**__**I had reasoned at the time that it was just an attempt to reassure myself that she was okay. That the accident had not been any more traumatic for her than it had originally appeared. However, all of the excuses I might try to convince myself of were just a feeble attempt to make myself feel better about the situation I now faced. In the end I knew that it was nothing more than my own selfish desire and overactive imagination that drew me here. **_

_**The facts are simple. The man that I am wants so desperately to be near her. To look upon her face, to see her smile; to eventually learn her likes and dislikes; to discover her fears and dreams. The gentleman, that Esme is so fond of, wants to be near her so that he might treat her the way that one so fair deserves to be treated. To care for her and protect her at all costs, to show her respect and admiration for all that she is, if only she would let him.  
**__**And finally the monster that threatens my strained sense of sanity longs to be near her. **_

_**This is my only fear that still remains. I have accepted that this attraction that I have for Bella will not go away. It is indeed likely to grow stronger with time and yet the vampire part of me thirsts for her blood in a way that makes every molecule in my body ache. It is a hunger like none other that I have ever experienced, an unrelenting fire in the pit of my damned soul. It is so intense that I am now convinced that after being near her and experiencing the affect that her blood has on my senses, I will never crave another human's blood ever again. It would be nothing more than a pitiful substitute, much like a glass of stagnant water would seem were it next to a glass of the finest champagne. **_

_**I want to be near her, but at what cost?  
**__**If I allow myself to be, I knowingly endanger her. This creates such a fearful anxiety within me.**_

"Edward."

He was pulled away from his feverish rendering in an instant by the voice of an angel, and not just any angel. His angel. It calmed him and eased the building tension that each word he wrote was threatening to ignite. Here, with her so near, he had little worry that his usual morose could overtake him

He'd finally become accustomed to the nightly, incoherent babble that she was so prone to, but he doubted that he'd ever get use to the elated feeling he got whenever she would mumble his name.  
At first he'd been terrified that the words were a conscious reaction to his presence in her bedroom. He was unable to hear her mind, as always, and therefore a sense of panic, at possibly being discovered in her most intimate space, had been his overwhelming reaction for the moment, while he quickly pondered an explanation that wouldn't make him seem as ridiculous as he felt most times, when the urge to come and sit with her at night became too strong to resist.  
He was pleasantly surprised however to learn that this was in fact just an ongoing little quirk that she was susceptible to.  
If he could not hear her thoughts at least he was able to gain some insight into her mind by hearing the uncensored words that escaped her dreams.  
It was truly a blessing in his opinion and the knowledge that her dreams often included him in some manner was undeniably thrilling. This discovery was enough to keep him coming back again and again, regardless of the initial concern about how creepy his behavior might be perceived by someone else.

The only thing about his time spent with her that might have pleased him more would have been having her know that he was there, watching over her, acclimating himself to her presence in an attempt to make his being around her as physically tolerable as possible.

Edward had actually surprised himself that first night. He was a creature of habit, always careful and calculating. He refused to let his actions be dictated by anything other than reason and forethought. But then again it had been a day like no other so he, of course, let his desire overrule any argument he might have been able to produce in favor of just leaving well enough alone.  
He could have never imagined a scenario where he might be so bold as to walk across that dark street and stop just under the window of her bedroom. He would have never believed it possible, until that moment when he'd carefully pried open that window and slide silently through the gap he'd created, but indeed he'd taken that first step and he'd entered her world; with or without her permission he'd situated himself as a fixture in her life. And now the only thing Edward had left to regret was not knowing whether she'd be willing to accept his presence as such.

He watched her settle back in to a peaceful slumber, noting that her breathing and heart rate both had returned to a normal steady rhythm, truly the only indications he had to help him distinguish her level of comfort.  
Once he was convinced that the moment had passed he returned to his journal.

He enjoyed spending his nights here with her; not only for the obvious reasons but also for the welcomed break it provided his own mind.  
A house full of people that would never sleep meant a constant flood of thoughts invading his mind at all times. Here with Bella was the closest thing to silence his mind would ever be allowed, her father and distant neighbors being easy enough to ignore. It unnerved him slightly but he was glad for the time it allowed him to sit and really think. After the first few nights, he'd taken to bringing his journal along, as a way to keep the whole new set of emotions excitedly swirling about his head organized and under control.

_**I can no longer continue as I have done for so many weeks, pretending that every moment that I am away from her isn't just as difficult as the moments that I am near, suffering the affects of her delicious scent. I don't expect that the burn will ever go away, but I will suffer through it gladly to be with her. Plus, I'm feeling a new found sense confidence after having spent so many nights in such close proximity to her. I no longer feel such a loss of control when faced with the challenge of denying my hunger; though I know that I must remain careful and do my best to avoid any situation that might make resisting any more difficult than it already is, because as desensitized as I might become after spending hours closed up in such a small space with her, the initial shock that hits me after any amount of time that we are apart is still truly overwhelming.**_

Edward took another breath and had to grin. He really felt some sense of accomplishment being here with her like this.

He'd struggled for years, just like they all had, to master his predatory instincts. He'd even gone through a particularly rough patch where the fight to control his hunger and the debate inside his mind having to with right and wrong had crashed head long into what, at the time, he'd deemed a reasonable solution. He had killed humans. He would drink their blood to nourish his body and stave off the hunger. It provided little comfort now, but at the time he took solace in the fact that the lives he'd taken had been for the greater good. He was protecting good honest people from those that weren't. He would avenge wrong doings in a manner that was quick and decisive. But even that mindset didn't allow for the workings of his ever-present conscience. The very conscience that kept him from taking her life; that kept him from running away from his fears, that kept him sitting, ever vigilant in that old wooden rocking chair, situated in the corner of her room, night after night.

It was also that conscience that had finally helped him to make up his mind. He would not impose, but he would find a way to offer his company. He now felt reasonably comfortable being around her and he felt it was time to revisit the subject of their potential friendship. She had not had any say so in his nightly ritual of coming here, but he would not continue to do so if she indicated in any way that she was not comfortable with him.

He'd denied her any explanation as to what had really occurred the day he'd saved her and he'd barely spoken 3 words to her since. He knew that his behavior was rude and callous but he had very few options available at the time. He had waited for her to respond in a way that most human teenagers would, but she never did. She never spoke a word about the accident, or his involvement. She did not gossip and speculate. Most importantly she did not lash out in anger when his intentional avoidance had become obvious. Edward knew that these responses had only served to fuel his own curiosity and pending infatuation. The more he learned the more he wanted to know. Now finally accepting that his obsession with her was not going away, and having gained a new found strength by all of the time he'd secretly shared with her, he was ready.

His unfair advantages had made him privy to information that might allow him the chance to offer his assistance to Bella and therefore see whether she might accept an invitation of sorts from one such as himself. The mindless chatter that usually made him wish for the days to pass quickly had not only provided him with an endless source of entertainment the day before but a golden opportunity.

**_If Bella should be unwise enough to accept my offer I will have an entire day with her, unsupervised. It will be the greatest challenge I have allowed myself yet, but I am feeling confident that I can control myself. The desire to get to know her is far greater at this point than the want I have for her blood._**

**_It would be to her benefit and in her best interest to deny me the pleasure of her company and if she chooses to I will honor her wish, but _****_I am tired of avoiding the inevitable and I am tired of waiting. I would rather know her mind and that it does not accept me, than to wait and wonder any longer. I will either be successful in taking the next step towards a relationship with her or I will be forbidden that privilege. If she demands my leave I will retreat and force myself to no longer dwell on what I cannot and should not change. It is her decision and I will respect that, always giving her the choice._**

Edward felt another brief sense of accomplishment. It was simple and the right thing to do. Indeed he was tired of waiting and wondering.  
If he asked her to spend time with him and she balked at the opportunity he would have his answers. He would move on and leave her in peace, ever watchful but never truly with her.

Her father would be waking soon and she would follow suit, so he knew that it was now time to leave. Edward stood gracefully and took three measured strides forward, folding his journal closed, while tucking away his favorite pen.

It had been a productive night and he smiled gently while watching her sigh in her sleep one last time. It occurred to him that this might be the last time he would ever look upon her this way and the very idea made his insides twist painfully. It was not a sign of hunger but something just as strong. He turned away slowly, no longer willing to torture himself this way and made to exit her window, while selfishly hoping for the worst possible outcome to the discussion he and Bella would be having today; the outcome where she might say yes to him.


	5. Chapter 5

_Thought it might be fun to take a look at Edward's feelings through an old journal entry, then hear some of the family's thoughts on the matter in this one.  
Hope you enjoy! and feel free to let me know how I'm doing._

Chapter 5

_**Tonight I sit alone, pondering my emotional state. I have done this more times than I care to count and yet I subject myself to the torture over and over again. I will pursue the answers I seek until I eventually find a solution that I am willing to accept.**_

_**What I know so far, is that I am feeling a sense of unrest; like I could start walking, without any specific purpose or destination in mind, wandering aimlessly until the end of time or the termination of my existence, whichever might come first. **__**It would be a lonely way to spend the rest of my days but perhaps a preferable alternative to the way I am obligated to endure them as of this moment.**_

He could recall that night just as clearly as so many others he wished to forget. The way he had paced his room, stalking restlessly back and forth, his hands fisting in his hair from time to time, feeling like a caged animal with no where to go and no way to relieve the pent up energy and frustration he was feeling.

_**My family has inadvertently shown me over the past several weeks just how different I am from the rest of them. I am smart enough to know that it was never intended for me to share in this discovery or be made to suffer the torment this knew knowledge has led me to feel, but seeing and sharing the emotional bond that links each and every member of my family together in a way that I have never had the pleasure of knowing has become quite disconcerting.**_

_**The gift of "hearing" another person's thoughts can be useful, particularly when the need to gauge one's reaction to the presence of a vampire arises, but in all other instances it has generally become a nuisance I must deal with as best I can. **__**Day to day, I have learned to shut out the inane chatter by focusing on my own personal thoughts and observations but it has always been difficult to ignore thoughts that are accompanied by strong emotions, whether it be sadness, fear, or even love.**_

Edward closed his eyes. He could not sleep and therefore could not dream, but he had a unique ability to recall images with vivid detail, something akin to a photographic memory for all intents and purposes. It allowed him to revisit times and places in his mind the way most people would only be able to through their subconscious.  
He remembered the emotions he'd felt back then with a surprising level of calm. It was such a different feeling than the one he'd had at the time.

_**Love always seems to be the strongest of these emotions. It doesn't have to be love in the traditional sense either, although that is the norm. **__**It can be something such as misplaced infatuation, as it often is when humans are forced to be in the presence of one of my kind for any length of time. The human response to that particular hunting mechanism is usually embarrassing and somewhat comical at the same time. **_

_**It is clear to me that love and lust seem to go hand in hand more often than not, and though I have never experienced this for myself, seeing the emotional intensity that this phenomenon seems to provoke is truly powerful. I feel a sense of kinship with those that must endure such a crippling level of need and desire; though their needs are different from my own the basic principle is the same. **_

_**Which brings me back to the differences I have been made aware of lately.**_

_**There are seven individuals living in this household at any given time, an odd number, which by definition is destined to leave one of those individuals alone. **__**And that unfortunate individual would be me.  
**__**I can comfort myself and say that this predicament is by choice, but in the end I know that this "choice" does not necessarily leave me feeling content.**_

_**Others have offered me companionship and I have refused. I know that I will not settle for anything less than true love. The lustful want a human might indicate is not something I am willing to act on, though others like myself often do so without any thought or concern for their victim in those cases.  
**__**And the few acquaintances I have come across that share my condition have all be lacking in some quality that is apparently of great importance to me. I do not know what that is exactly but I am convinced that I will either find it at some point, and know that I have, or I will continue on as I have always done, alone. **_

_**It makes me sad as I sit here tonight to know what true love is like for those around me and know that I may never have the pleasure of truly knowing it for myself.  
**__**I have the love of my mother and father, always caring and understanding despite my flaws. There is an element of love between myself and my siblings as well, yet the love that I feel from them is so different when compared to the love they have for each other. **_

_**Esme is by far the most affectionate and warm individual I have ever known. It is easy to see why Carlisle is so taken with her. Theirs is the type of love I wish to have for myself, full of affection, happiness and respect. A bond that has likely ruined any willingness I might have had to settle for any relationship of a lesser nature.**_

_**I cannot blame my high standards on their relationship alone.  
**__**Though it is not the same in many ways, at the very core of it all, Rosalie and Emmett share a similar bond. Their often-embarrassing level of affection goes beyond what I have ever wanted to witness but I cannot deny that the thoughts accompanying even the most lewd or inappropriate display are always of the most genuine and loving kind.  
**__**Theirs is a far more physical relationship and yet it is just as emotionally charged as that of the other couples surrounding me. Having been privy to the inner workings of their relationship, I know that I could not be happy with someone that did not ignite some sense of passion within me.**_

_**And finally, Alice and Jasper, the one relationship within my family that both comforts and confounds me the most. They are complete polar opposites in personality and yet they are connected on such a level that it is often overwhelming to be in the same space with them. Their thoughts never stray from one another. Alice, ever vigilant for signs that Jasper is not faring well, looking to comfort and protect him at all costs while he battles the monster that lingers so close to the surface; and Jasper, always concerned that Alice may not approve of or be able to find the patience to handle his continued struggles, ever striving to be the man and companion that his true love deserves. Theirs is a love that goes beyond a physical or an emotional attraction; theirs is a love, which is necessary for their continued survival.**_

_**Their unique abilities set them apart from the rest of the family, much like my own often do, but they only serve to intensify their connection. When they are together intimately the entire household is overcome with an emotion that borders on euphoria, thanks to Jasper's broadcasting emotions. To say that I do not envy that feeling would be a lie.  
**__**To say that I do not envy every member of my family for the love and happiness they have found with another is also a lie. And thus I find myself alone and suffering for it. **_

_**I have wished so many times that this cursed gift be taken away.  
**__**If only I could witness the love and affection shared by those around me as a normal individual might and not be forced to see and feel their deepest secrets, wants and desires, perhaps I might feel better about my situation, if only a little.  
**__**Because of this gift and the emotions I am surrounded by, images and thoughts come unbidden to my mind during every minute of every day and though I can ignore much of it, I am still forced to know exactly what I am missing out on, leaving me to ponder what I might do to change this predicament.**_

It was one of the few instances where he'd left an entry unfinished. He'd ended it there because, at the time, he had no ideas about how he could possibly solve this particular problem. Additionally he hated to think on this subject any more than absolutely necessary.  
Edward had come to terms with his vampirism, he'd learned to understand what he was and was not capable of as a result. He fully accepted that he would forever be prone to bouts of depression and intense agitation because of it, but he loathed the idea of being made to suffer additional hardships that it seemed his vampire relatives had so easily overcome.

He'd already opened and closed the old journal he'd brought along to keep him company, while he waited for his family to join him, numerous times. To say that he was becoming impatient was an understatement and yet he knew there was nothing he could do to speed up time. If he'd had that ability he would have already fast-forwarded his existence beyond this moment so that he might move on to something a little less panic provoking.

He'd had a rough couple of years shortly after Jasper and Alice had joined the family, feeling sorry for himself and his solitude. He wanted to remember that feeling today of all days so that he might harness some extra amount of courage when faced with the opportunity to approach Bella. He had not known then that he might ever be in such a position, but he was thankful for whatever help he might gain as a result of the suffering he'd been made to experience so many years ago now. It could prove invaluable should he find himself second guessing his intentions or running away for fear of rejection.

He was tired of being alone; having no one he could connect with on such an intimate level. He'd finally found Bella, a woman that not only intrigued him and confused him, but one that sent both his mind and body into a frenzy of emotions whenever she was near. He knew that he would be a fool to squander such a tempting possibility as a relationship with one such as her.

"Somebody's anxious." Emmett teased seeing Edward sit quietly, seemingly lost in his own thoughts as he waited. Edward made no move to acknowledge his arrival, which only meant that Emmett's words were now conveyed via his thoughts instead of aloud, taking on a much more colorful quality as a result.

Thankfully however, the others soon followed and they were on their way, without so much as a word. The tension was rolling off of Edward in waves now and everyone, not just Jasper, had a good sense of what he was feeling today. They may not know the reason entirely but they all had a feeling that Bella was once again on his mind.

Pulling into the usual parking spot Edward finally let his guard down, only to be blindsided by information he did not wish to hear.  
"What do you mean I can't go to Biology today?" He all but shrieked after inadvertently picking out one of Alice's many shuffled thoughts.

He turned to face Alice with an accusatory glare as if it was her fault and not some extenuating circumstance that made this necessary.  
Alice cringed slightly, knowing that she would need to warn him at some point during the day but that she had unintentionally done so at the worst possible time. He was obviously feeling a great deal of stress already today and this just might push him over the edge.

She could hear the familiar rumble of Bella's truck as it made the final turn necessary before it would soon enter the parking area and as luck would have it Edward had noticed as well. He leapt from the car, only taking care to keep his movement marginally within normal limits, abandoning the topic at hand in favor of seeing to Bella's safe arrival.

Alice took a wry glance around the car and raised a questioning eyebrow at the looks she was receiving from the others. She knew that Edward had intended to speak to Bella today. He was planning to offer her a ride to Seattle, as she had indicated she would be traveling there soon. She felt it was a noble gesture and a good opportunity for him to get to know her, while also testing his restraint. He was determined enough that she had every confidence that it would turn out well and be a step in the right direction for them both. She had however already decided that this information was only for she and Edward to know. She did not need Jasper's help this morning to be able to realize that Edward was feeling nervous and uncertain despite his resolve. So, she would not share this information without his permission. His hasty exit had been proof enough that he did not want to discuss anything further for the moment.

She mentally reminded him that the Biology lab for the day would be blood typing and that he should strongly consider skipping. She'd had to sit through that horror once and once was quite enough.

Alice had never taken a human's blood before; she'd known from the moment that her change was complete that she was meant to be a vegetarian and therefore had never allowed herself to succumb to the temptation, but sitting in a classroom full of humans, willingly puncturing their skin, bringing the rich combination of scent and flavor to the surface was too much for even one such as herself.  
Edward would never be able to sit ideally by while Bella's blood was available and taunting him in such a manner.

She had hoped to break the news at a better time or perhaps find some way to mention it without being so blunt but she was trying so hard to concentrate on so many things that it was inevitable that she would slip eventually, so she tried not to dwell on it for now. She did however refuse to explain what the exchange between she and Edward had been about despite the others' curiosity bombarding her.

As luck would have it, a vision saved her from the awkwardness of the moment just seconds after Edward had left them.

He was funny and charming; apparently relaxed, despite the subtle edge to his voice that one such as her, knowing him the way she did, might notice.  
He was quick to give her a choice, every opportunity to say no and refuse his offer but she could see only one outcome to this situation.

"What just happened with Edward?" Jasper inquired quietly as he escorted Alice towards the building a few minutes later.

She was still a bit dazed by her vision and she wasn't sure exactly what he was asking.

"He's about to jump right out of his skin. I can hardly tell if its happiness or nerves but the poor guy would be in danger of a heart attack I'd wager, were his still beating." He clarified for Alice, perceptive enough to know that she wanted to keep Edward's issues as private as possible.

It was one of the many things he had to admire about them both. Each possessed such gifts that they might easily take advantage of those around them and yet she and Edward both made every effort to allow whatever amount of privacy they could afford the rest of them.

"Bella's just agreed to go with him to Seattle in a few days. Alone." She informed him, speaking quickly, in a hushed tone that she knew only he could hear.

Jasper just shook his head and she heard a little chuckle escape. He was in awe of Edward's courage but understandably concerned about the outcome. He knew that he would never have the strength to even consider; much less attempt what his brother was so determined to accomplish.

"If it were me and I was human, I believe you could do the same." Alice assured him.  
He appreciated her confidence but he wasn't so sure himself.

He'd wondered and worried about why Edward would put himself and the family at such risk. Having a human so close to their secrets and exposed to the danger that their nature potentially represented seemed to be the exact opposite of what he should want. And yet hearing Alice's comparison-that were she human, she felt that he could handle what Edward was attempting; it all started to make a little more sense.

The pull that drew he and Alice together was a force that he could never ignore. If Edward felt even a tenth of that where Bella was concerned he knew that he really had no other choice but to pursue this relationship.

"Does he love her?" he asked while turning slightly to scan the area behind them, where they'd left Edward and Bella. He hadn't picked up on that particular emotion yet but he felt like that was what Alice was hinting at.  
His eyes quickly took in the sight of his brother and the young human. They were talking quietly as they walked together towards the adjacent building, Edward standing far closer to her than Jasper would have thought possible, knowing the outrageous amount of control it took for Edward to resist her scent.

He couldn't deny that there had been a drastic shift in his emotional state as of late. The anger and depression that he always felt around Edward was beginning to fade. There was far more confusion and fear present, which he actually preferred over the former condition. At least it was a change.  
Taking pity on his poor conflicted brother, Jasper sent out a wave of calm to aid him in whatever manner he could. He felt an overwhelming sense pride and happiness being returned.

"He doesn't fully understand it quite yet." Alice answered finally, seeing Jasper smile towards the couple.

"The human girl holds no fear." He informed her as they entered the building. "How can she be so close to him and not notice how obviously different he is?"

"I think she does notice, but she's not afraid because she sees something more." Alice took hold of her husband's hand as they walked through the busy hallway.  
"It's like it is for us when we see a human. We could just look upon them as a potential meal, but instead you know that they are more than that; they are what we once were, a thinking, caring being. An individual. When she looks at Edward she could focus on his alien like presence or she could see him for the man that he truly is." Alice gave Jasper's hand a little squeeze and smiled up at him.  
He was getting better at this ever day. There hadn't been the slightest possibility that he would harm any of the students they'd passed just now.

He looked up and realized that they were at their first class already and he hadn't even noticed the usually long torturous walk through the sea of humans it took to get here. If he could learn to do this and not even notice, perhaps Edward could learn to be around this girl that he obviously felt so strongly for, he figured. The thought made him happy, because he knew that Edward of all people deserved a little happy.


	6. Chapter 6

Just to avoid any confusion, keep in mind that the words written in _**Bold Italics**_ are Edward's journal writings, and the words written in regular _Italics_ indicated things Edward "hears" mentally. Hope you all enjoy hearing some of Emmett's brotherly advice.  
I've always thought that Emmett was way smarter than most people give him credit for being.

Chapter 6

There was a time when Edward had been looking forward to this little excursion. It was necessary that he not allow himself to become too thirsty these days. It was for his own comfort as much as it was for Bella's safety. The outrageous reaction his body was prone to when in her presence was very much at the forefront of his mind and he felt that partaking of a more satisfying prey when he could was a good idea. He was also looking forward to some time spent bonding with his brother. Emmett was such a happy uncomplicated sort that Edward was actually hoping that a little time spent alone in his company might help to improve his outlook on things.  
What he hadn't counted on however was the tremendous sense of anxiety that he began to feel the moment he realized just how far away from her he really was. He wasn't fully aware of how attached he'd become until he was no longer in a position to check up on her whenever he felt the need, when he wasn't in a position to help her if she were in trouble. Edward had asked, practically demanded, that she look out for herself before he'd left, subconsciously understanding even then what he was about to endure, though he had no concept of just how difficult it would be, until now.

He currently sat perched atop a boulder, his legs crossed, his journal resting against his knee as he penned his latest entry.  
He and Emmett had been feasting lavishly on the recently awakened grizzly population in the area and now feeling positively bloated by the amount of blood he'd consumed, Edward had snuck away, looking for some time to sit and recount his newest discoveries. He had a lot on his mind and with Emmett busy, having too much fun harassing yet another irritable bear, he felt sure that he'd not be missed for the moment. The time spent out here in the wilderness was making him consider things that he'd been reluctant to accept before now, but after experiencing just how difficult it was to be away from her, he was beginning to understand that he could no longer afford to deny his true feelings.

_**It is difficult to admit but I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. It is a strange feeling to be sure and one that I do not care for at all.  
**__**I generally have the luxury of knowledge and experience on my side and when that is not the case I can always rely on my heightened senses and extra abilities to assist me. In this instance however, all that I am and all that I have at my disposal only serves to mock me and make this situation harder than it should be.**_

_**Alice insists that I am in love with Bella, or at least she is convinced that I will be, thanks to her gift of foresight. Esme is also in agreement, noting many apparent changes in my behavior as of late. The rest of my family is not quite sure what to make of my situation and I find myself more inclined to join them in their confusion than to just allow myself to submit and agree with such wistful declarations of love and happily ever afters. **_

_**The trouble is that when I look at Bella, I see a person worthy of so much more than I am. I see someone that has a future, the potential to grow and learn and find happiness in life. And yet my selfish nature threatens that future.**_

_**It is physically painful for me to endure the concept of her moving on, growing older, finding pleasure with a mate, creating a family and reaching the goals that every human aspires to; goals that are no longer within my reach. Having intimate knowledge of just how difficult the loss of that opportunity is, I hate to think that I would be capable of taking such a gift away from another person.  
**__**Yet each and every moment that I allow myself to be near her I put her at risk. **_

_**I've known all along that I could end her life so quickly and all of those dreams would be lost; and I now know that I could likewise end her life and turn her into what I am, what I hate most about myself. These are the options my future supposedly holds, both of which I am less than thrilled to accept.  
**__**I am powerless when faced with the possibility of leaving her. I cannot endure such a painful undertaking. I am not strong enough—yet. I will work on that ability but in the meantime I am obliged to keep company with one I have no right to covet, therefore I cannot use a term like love to describe such a terrible situation. **_

_**If it were love I would not put her in danger this way. If it were love I would sacrifice my own happiness to protect her. Right? I would be able to find the strength that I am apparently lacking and walk away. I could leave Bella and be happy knowing that I was able to do what was best for all those potentially involved. I would allow her to have the life that she deserves.  
**__**But alas, I do not know what else to call this feeling that I have. **_

_**I have experienced every possible emotion, both good and bad, since first meeting Bella. So why I am so reluctant to include what I finally know is the truth?**_

Edward rolled his pen thoughtfully between his thumb and forefinger as he pondered all of those emotions. He looked out over the clearing below his position and took a deep breath. The air out here was clean and crisp. It was usually a welcomed change, nothing more than the scent of earth and pine and various animals. Nothing to tempt one's self control or limit the use of their unnatural abilities. Edward looked back at the journal resting, waiting for him to continue and knew that the untainted air that surrounded him would no longer hold the appeal that it once had.

_**I had been frightened at first. I will not deny that.  
**__**I had never experienced such an assault on my senses. Her scent was like nothing I had ever encountered. It was the most painful and yet the most pleasurable sensation. I was terrified by what it had made me become. I was no longer human in any sense of the word. She'd stripped away any trace of the old Edward that I so desperately held on to and all that remained was a monster. In a panic, having never been so out of sorts I fled, taking a coward's way out.**_

_**Then the anger started to set in forcing me to have foolish, irrational thoughts.  
**__**Who was this insignificant girl, who dared separate me from my family? I had managed to reign in the beast that she'd threatened to unleash and I had spared her life. I had overcome the temptation once; I could surely do so again, if needed. I had no reason to be driven away from my home and the situation I had chosen to be in. I was stubborn, refusing to fail and be made to admit my weakness all because of a single human. I was stronger than that; or perhaps too arrogant to accept any other possibility at the time, now that I look back.**_

_**I had taken a few days to get my head together, to try and riddle out what it was that was so different about this particular person and I had come up with absolutely nothing. I was still upset that such a weak little human could undermine my confidence in such a manner and the only thing that I was sure of at that point was that I needed to know what it was about her that made her so different. I couldn't seem to focus on anything else. **_

As he took time to rewrite what he had already confessed during previous entries he suddenly realized something that had not occurred to him before now.

_**I believe that I wanted her to be like everyone else, boring and predictable. If she were no different than the others in personality then I might have been able to convince myself that it was all a part of my imagination. Perhaps the reaction I'd had was nothing more than a fluke. She held no power over me; she could not possibly have that strong a pull.  
**__**And yet I'd been so wrong, in so many ways.**_

_**I'll admit that there was a period of denial, but the truth is that she had fascinated me from the very start. When I would close my eyes I could still picture her face. When I would listen to anything another had thought, I would actually be fishing for any bit of information concerning Bella. But I was too stubborn to notice it then. My interest in her had grown beyond some morbid curiosity. It was bordering on obsession and I was apparently falling even before I had time to understand exactly why.**_

_**I didn't understand it then and I'm not entirely sure that I understand it now, but I am finally willing to admit it. Bella Swan is everything I have been searching for. From the moment I allowed myself to return, to be in her presence, I found myself worrying over her condition, jealous of her admires, and fascinated by her ever silent mind.  
**__**It was at that very same time that the confusion started to take over every other feeling I could possibly experience. I knew what I felt but I didn't know what it meant. I was far away from my element and drifting further with each passing day.  
**__**I hated what she had done to me. She had shown me just how strong the vampire side of me could be and she had dredged up human emotions that I had decided long ago we're no longer a part of my personality.**_

_**I don't communicate well the old fashioned way. I can pick out what people mean to tell me before they actually say anything. I'm never caught off guard or made to wonder whether a statement is truthful or premeditated. But such was not the case with her. She astounded me with her intelligence and baffled me with responses I would have never seen coming. It was so very frustrating and yet thrilling all at the same time. **_

_**It is true that I've never taken the time to study a particular individual the way that I find myself studying Bella but I know without a doubt that she is indeed unique. It was more than the scent of her blood that drew me in, it was more than an inability to hear her mind, it was a curiosity that transcended every normal need I could imagine. **_

_**She is kind and selfless. She doesn't see the allure she has, which leaves her lacking confidence in many areas she needn't worry about. I know these things only because she has allowed me the privilege. Greedy as I am, I wish to know more. I have never been so captivated by an individual.  
**__**I know and I will always remember the moment that it happened; it was while I was watching her sleep. She was dreaming of me that night. She said my name in her sleep and it was with love and concern, not the fear and loathing I would have expected. I felt an intense shift within me, and yet I hesitated to put a name with the feeling. **_

_**The pain I'd felt that first day, when her potent aroma had ignited my instincts, was the closest thing I'd ever experienced to the excruciating fire that had accompanied my transformation into this creature. I've learned to tolerate that burn however, in order to be near her. Now that I have accomplished such a feat, I hate the idea of ever being without that delicious scent, the tangible reminder that one such as her exists. My unpredictable, frustrating, clumsy, lovable Bella--she is everything to me.**_

_**Yes, I am in love with Bella Swan. I can no longer deny it. One day I will do what is right by her, but for now the selfish creature that I am only wants to be near her. **_

"Are you kidding? I bring you out here for a weekend full of adventure and freedom and here you are still scribbling away in that silly book?" Emmett interrupted his heart-felt confession with a voice too loud and too unwelcome at the moment for him to hear any of the playfulness that accompanied his statement.

Edward let a low growl of annoyance rumble deep inside of his chest. Gently closing his journal without further thought. He refused to look up at his brother as he made his approach but it didn't stop Emmett's boisterous rambling.

"Did you see the size of that last bear?" Emmett went on to say, with unmatched enthusiasm, seemingly oblivious to Edward's sullen mood.

"Sorry. I know I'm not such great company tonight." Edward shrugged eventually, after catching Emmett's not so subtle accusation, several minutes later, amid tangled thoughts of blood and bears and, as always, Rosalie.

"Still busy torturing yourself over that little human girl?" Emmett chuckled.  
He was perceptive, far more so than most people would give him credit for being. He'd noticed shortly after he and Edward had set out the day before that his heart just wasn't in this the way that it usually was and he had a very good idea as to why.

"Bella." Edward corrected out of reflex.  
"Bella." Emmett agreed with a little smirk.

Edward drew his knees up towards his chest and let his arms wrap themselves around his legs. He would have recognized the position as being the defensive posture that it was had he not suddenly been so nervous.

He was in desperate need of advice. This most recent realization had him once again scrambling for answers to questions that he'd never had to ask himself before.  
He couldn't discuss this with Alice, she was too convinced of his future already, and a little too hyper to deal with when it came to all things Bella related.  
He knew that he could trust Esme, but this current feeling of self-doubt was not something he wished to share with her, having already seen the joy his potential relationship had created for her.  
Carlisle, the one he would usually feel most comfortable approaching with his troubles, was proving to be a frustrating confidant throughout this whole affair, generally turning his questions and concerns into riddles for him to figure out on his own rather than just providing the advice he really longed for.  
Recently Jasper had been rather supportive but he held far too much confidence in Alice's predictions for him to be an impartial consultant.  
Rosalie was never his biggest fan, so this left him with only one other option. He considered for a moment his brother's bright, happy go lucky outlook on life in general and let go of any further reservations he might have had.

"Em, when did you know for sure that you were in love with Rosalie?" he asked.

There were a series of unwelcome images that assaulted his mind almost instantly, as Emmett shuffled through various liaisons of an intimate nature, playfully torturing his innocent little brother for a moment.

"Please." Edward groaned. "I'm really struggling here and I just want a straight answer."

"I thought that _was_ pretty straight." His brother chuckled.

Edward decided he'd made a mistake and stood to leave. With a swipe of his hand he collected his journal and made to walk away, thinking perhaps Jasper would be the better choice.

Emmett hated to see Edward so down all the time. It was depressing and he'd only meant to make him laugh. He could see the evidence of his mistake immediately, watching Edward grimace uncomfortably the moment his thoughts had been shared. He knew that it was a habit of his whenever he spoke with one of them directly to purposefully pull their thoughts into his own mind. It never really bothered him, he never thought of anything he wouldn't be willing to say outright, but he knew that Edward wasn't always appreciative of his brand of humor. He figured that the shock might have at least made him smile, but apparently he'd been wrong.

"_Ok. Sorry. You don't have to run off."_ Emmett apologized mentally.  
He was genuinely curious about why he'd started off a conversation with him by asking about love. He knew what Alice had predicted and he'd seen the ridiculous way that Edward had reacted to this girl but he never really thought it would be possible for Edward to love a human, particularly one that tormented him so.

"Talk to me, Edward. I promise I'll behave." He invited aloud when he noticed that Edward had indeed still been listening and had come to a stop upon hearing his thoughts.

He didn't turn to face him but stayed where he was, staring out towards a bank of trees nearby.

"I don't have any other word to describe what I think I'm feeling. I just want to be sure." He said quietly.

"_Wow_"

"Are you happy?" Emmett probed.

"When I'm near her, yes." Edward answered quietly.

"Are you sad?" he wondered as well.

Edward's response this time was a slight nod of his head.

"Nervous?"

"Terribly."

Emmett sighed, happy that Edward's back was still turned so that his grin couldn't be seen, though he felt sure his merriment was quite clear inside his mind.

"Sucks for you dear brother, but I'm pretty sure you're in love. Do you suppose she has any feelings for you?"

"I can't be sure but I suspect she may." Edward replied, finally turning.  
He kept his head down in defeat as he slowly returned to take up the same spot he'd vacated moments before.

Emmett nodded, encouraging him to continue.

"It's why I feel such a sense of sadness. She shouldn't feel that way about someone like me and yet at the same time I'm elated to know that she might."

"Why so nervous?" Emmett wondered.  
He understood the feelings of happiness and the sadness even made sense now. Both emotions were quite understandable even without the explanation really. He knew the intense happiness that love could bring, and he knew that Edward was unquestionably saddened by this whole situation. Now that he knew exactly why, he pitied his poor brother for being made to suffer such a burden. If he truly loved this human girl, of course he would feel sad to know that he was such a threat to her safety.

"It's the not knowing." Edward sighed. "I don't know how she feels about me. I don't know how I'll respond if I ever find out one way or the other. I can't be sure that she's safe with me. I feel like she's at risk every moment that I allow her to be near me. But I can't force myself to stay away. How can I possibly be what she needs me to be? I've never…" He trailed off, losing his nerve to put it all out there just yet.

Emmett smiled. _"You're actually a bigger mess than I'd given you credit for."_

"Well, first off," he began, putting a stop to the reprimand he expected to surface thanks to his unfiltered jibe, "you're suppose to be nervous when you don't know if someone returns your feelings. That, at least, is perfectly normal."

Edward seemed to relax now that he was hearing some actual advice instead of mental insults so Emmett continued.

"Now, I'm no expert, but you asked when I knew that I was in love with Rosie. That's an easy one to answer and I think you'll get why I've now decided to agree with Alice. After hearing what you've already said and having seen the way you've been acting lately, I have very few doubts. I don't really get it, but I have very few doubts."

Edward looked up needing to pay closer attention. He was impressed by Emmett's sudden seriousness and he truly hoped that whatever he had to say would shed some light on his issues.

"A lot had happened to me when I first met Rosalie. The most beautiful woman I'd ever seen had just saved me and I'd been given immortality. I was a newly transformed vampire, confused and thirsty but she took care of me, made me feel wanted. She overlooked what I knew were faults of mine and had lots of patience for my screw-ups early on, always forgiving me when I'd stray. I had the luxury of knowing already that she was attracted to me in some way but I was still nervous."

Emmett grinned looking at Edward's disbelieving expression. He knew that Edward often envied his confidence but he was being honest tonight and he knew this was what might make Edward finally see that this was indeed love that he felt for Bella.

"Rosalie is so much better than me. I felt undeserving of all that she'd given me, of the love she obviously felt. I was nervous that one day she'd suddenly realize that I wasn't good enough, that she could have done better. I was sure that there would come a day when she would finally see something in me that she couldn't handle. I knew I was in love with her, because I wanted to be a better man, I wanted to change and become whatever she needed me to be. I couldn't bear the thought of her reaching that conclusion one day so I made the effort to change. When I finally learned that she didn't expect me to change or be anything other than what I am, I knew that this was right and that I didn't have to be saddened by my shortcomings or nervous that she might get frustrated by my faults, I was allowed to just be happy and be in love."

Edwards mouth was literally hanging open as he listened to his brother speak so candidly.

_"You're feeling everything that I once did. It's obvious that you would change everything about yourself in order to be what Bella needs. I promise you, you're stronger than I am, you've already gone against your nature and denied your hunger."_

"Hang in there, little brother. You're in love; it should be a happy thing. If Bella loves you in return, she wouldn't want you to be anything other than what you are."

"I don't want her to know what I am." Edward shook his head.

"You're missing the point" Emmett chuckled. "Your desire to give her what she deserves is all that you need to understand. She's making you into a better man. Very few things other than love can provoke such a change."

"Why do I still feel so unworthy then?" Edward questioned.

"Nobody is perfect Edward. If you'd finally accept that then maybe you wouldn't be so morose all of the time. Love is what makes our imperfections ok."

Silence hovered around the two of them or a few minutes before Emmett started chuckling.

"I'm rooting for you and Bella. You should have seen yourself the other day when you two sat together at lunch. I've not seen you smile or laugh so much in years. If that girl can work that kind of magic, I'm on her side."

Edward couldn't help but smile remembering that day, that conversation. She had agreed to sit with him. Him and not any of the others she could have been sharing her time with. He was nervous but it had been surprisingly easy to hold conversation, he'd been able to control himself and be near her. She was inquisitive and honest, answering his questions and asking her own. He felt that there was hope for them in that moment. They might never be a couple in the traditional sense but they could have something, friendship and companionship at the very least.

_"You need to stop mooning over your lunch date before I start teasing."_

Edward smiled. Not the reaction Emmett had expected but it was a pleasant surprise.

"Would you be terribly upset with me if I left in the morning? I could be back in time to make sure her trip to Port Angeles goes alright." Edward asked instead of getting upset.

"You're ditching me for a woman?" Emmett dramatically gasped, as if he were feeling hurt.

Edward just shrugged.

Emmett just laughed once again, throwing an arm around his shoulders.

"Its about time."


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Hey folks! It feels like its been forever. I've got a million excuses as to why this update has taken so long but they are all pretty pathetic so I won't bore you with the details. For those of you still interested in reading this lil story, you have my thanks and I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 7

_**When a person is nervous they say things that ordinarily they wouldn't. I know this to be true because I can hear it in the words that a person hurriedly speaks only seconds after they are formed in their mind. They are undoubtedly less censored than they would be were a person comfortable with their company and situation. **_

_**My heightened senses act as a built in lie detector of sorts. I can hear a person's heartbeat, smell changes in their blood composition as the adrenaline starts to flow and I can see perspiration start to form as soon as a person feels it begin to prickle their skin. Of course when all else fails I can "hear" the sense of panic and unease within their thoughts and usually locate the truth echoing through the recesses of their mind. **_

_**I myself am not use to being nervous after so many years spent with no reason to be and therefore I seem to react much like a human would under similar circumstances. My mind processes information faster and I have the ability to observe things that a human wouldn't even consider looking for when speaking to someone else, but in the end I too will tend to divulge too much. **_

_**I had at one time thought that my nervous tendencies as of late were indeed just that, nerves and nothing more. A common reaction when faced with the unknown, or in my case, a situation that I find stressful and one that I have obsessively over analyzed.  
**__**What I now know is that my nerves are triggered by fear.**_

_**There is usually no need for me to be fearful of anything and therefore I am usually not a nervous sort, but as of late I am finding myself more and more prone to both of these bothersome emotions.**_

Edward took a moment to look up from his writings and sighed quietly. Bella finally appeared to be comfortable and for that he was grateful. He could only do so much to insure that she was alright after having experienced such an unusual and trying night, which left him feeling frustrated as always. He wanted to take care of her but he had not officially been granted that privilege, so he had to settle for the very least that he could do. He would sit by tonight as he had done so during so many others and keep watch over her while she slept.  
He was pleased that the extra blanket he'd found out in the linen closet seemed to be helping. She'd looked so cold and fragile, shivering in her sleep but she seemed to be far more relaxed and comfortable now. He had been very careful not to touch any exposed skin when he'd place the blanket lovingly over her, not wanting to make her any more chilled than she already was.  
It was difficult to think about that. Would she ever be comfortable touching his frigid skin? Would he be able to control himself if she ever did?

He shook his head looking away from her peaceful expression and focused once again on his journal. He'd been terribly out of sorts before finally making his way to her bedroom tonight and he wanted to do whatever he could to understand just how this night had happened and what he might have done differently if given the impossible opportunity to relive it.

_**Since confessing the true feelings that I have for Bella to myself it seems like every emotion I experience is compounded tenfold. I have never known such fear and anxiety. **_

It had been a difficult weekend for him and though he'd found time to write while away with Emmett he had just been starting to understand what it was that he truly felt for Bella. This revelation overruled every other topic he'd wished to analyze, leaving much of what was on his mind for another time. He now understood that it was time to face the subject of his fear, before one of these days he might no longer be able to temper his response to the unbidden emotion.

_**The day that I met Bella I was afraid that I no longer possessed any control over this monster that makes up such a large part of who I am. I feared that I would give in to my least desirable instincts and disappoint those that I hold most dear, my family. If I had let the thirst rule my response that day, I would have literally slaughtered an entire room full of teenagers just to taste, for a few brief moments, the most mouthwatering scent I have ever come across. I will forever be frightened that one day I might succumb to that temptation anyway despite my better judgment, especially now that so much more is at stake. **_

_**Fear apparently has many different levels of intensity; something I've had no personal experience with until recently, just like so many other things. This fear that I might personally be capable of harming Bella is a healthy fear, one that I welcome in order to serve as a reminder that I will always have to be on my guard. But recently I have been made to endure other fears as well. All fears that center around Bella and my need to keep her safe, not from myself this time, but from things I unfortunately have no control over.**_

_**My first taste of this seems terribly mundane now but at the time I was so panicked that I could barely function. I was crippled by my fear and acted in a manner that day that I would have never allowed were I able to think more clearly.**_

_**The day that I had finally plucked up the courage to offer Bella a ride to Seattle, the day that she had said yes to me, making me the happiest I had been in decades, I was made very aware of just how important this girl had become to me. **_

_**I had multiple purposes that day. For the safety of my family I needed to know what, if any conclusions she'd been able to draw as to how I had been able to save her. She was far too observant for her own good, constantly pointing out the odd characteristics I possess, signaling what I truly am, and therefore I could not take for granted her silence in this matter. I'm not allowed to divulge my secrets and I wouldn't want her to know them anyway, but for the sake of all parties involved I had to be sure. **_

_**Aside from the obvious issues at hand I was pleased that she would want to spend time with me. Selfish as I am, the time spent in her company only made me long for even more, looking forward to the day I might feel comfortable enough to ask her the questions I really wanted to know the answers to. **_

_**On that day I found myself sitting out in my car, enjoying my success; we'd sat together at lunch and chatted amiably for the entire hour. I could tell that she was nervous but so was I. However, as Emmett would so observantly point out later, it hadn't really mattered.**_

_**I was busy attempting to calm myself and clear my head, blissfully lost in my own thoughts and unable to pay attention to Bella's whereabouts and well being as I should have been. After such an unbelievable hour, I was happy and I was convinced that against my better judgment this might indeed be possible. I should have been listening though. **_

_**Before I knew what had happened I heard the uncertain thoughts of one Mike Newton; he was panicked and frustrated. His heightened emotions made his thoughts stand out, whether I wished to hear them or not. I very nearly ripped the door off of the Volvo the moment I understood that Bella was indeed the source of this panic.**_

_**I couldn't think straight, I couldn't see straight for that matter, all I knew was that Bella appeared limp and lifeless on the sidewalk and I was unable to prevent whatever had lead to this tragedy. **_

_**There had never been a sound as sweet as the beating of her heart or her disgruntled response when I had attempted to get her attention. She wasn't dead or dying, just ill and feeling faint. The intense relief I had felt in that moment made my actions that followed effortless if not foolish. I had picked her up. I had carried her into the nurse's office. Even with all that has recently happened I had never felt such a feeling of accomplishment. I was able to hold this fragile woman in my arms, resisting the pull of her warmth and the feel of her pulse as I did what I could to help her, to show her that I cared. I didn't even believe I had done it until she was no longer there, my arms missing her presence immediately. Excited as I was my poor rattled brain didn't see the need to stop there. I insisted on driving her home when it was determined that she was going to leave for the rest of the day.**_

Edward hated the way that these words tumbled from his mind so effortlessly onto the page. It seemed to trivialize just how difficult it had been to compose himself that day, how out of sorts his fear had rendered him. But when he stopped to reread what was already written he knew that the flow of his writing was indeed an honest representation of how he'd felt. His thoughts were scattered, jumping from subject to subject. His punctuation was not precise or particularly premeditated. He was essentially rambling but to him it made perfect sense. It was just more evidence to show that Bella had basically turned his entire world upside down, but honestly, he wouldn't have it any other way.

_**I have been closed up in her bedroom with her quite frequently, but I have always made sure that I was in complete control of both my thirst and my emotional state before attempting such a thing. It is so obvious now that I was not thinking clearly that day, otherwise I would have known that being alone with her in the cramped confines of an automobile would prove to be a far greater challenge, one that I had not taken the proper steps to prepare for just yet. Her scent was powerful and I spent almost the entire ride unable to breathe for fear of what it would do to my restraint. **_

_**She talked to me though and it helped tremendously.**_

_**Carlisle has always said that our conscience stays essentially the same even after our change. If a person was good and moral during their human life, becoming a vampire did not necessarily demand that they become some sort of heartless killer, hence our efforts to avoid taking human blood unnecessarily. The first lesson he attempted to teach me once I had been turned was that I must always remember that a human is special to someone. They are the sons and daughters of loving parents, much like I had been at some point. They are possibly the parents of their own children, people with a responsibility in society; someone that deserves to live their life peacefully without fear of an otherworldly predator like myself. As I sat listening to Bella describe her mother and her father and ask questions about my family I focused on Carlisle's advice. Her family loved her and though I was unwilling to admit it at the time, I loved her also and therefore would never want to harm her. **_

Edward looked at what he had just penned and had to smile. It had been a good day. He'd known as he had sat in his car, alone with his thoughts, that he was about to embark on a journey that promised to be both fascinating and frustrating, that suddenly his loathsome existence had finally become something he could possibly enjoy. As long as Bella would agree to have him be a part of her life in some manner he was eager to see what his future might hold and that was a tremendous first for him.

He glanced at the inexpensive, outdated clock taking up space on her nightstand and saw that there was still plenty of time left before he would be forced to leave her tonight. He let his eyes once again rest on her sleeping form and felt his lips turn up at the corners. She was so beautiful. He could hardly believe that at one time he'd thought her average. It was of course before he'd had a chance to really see her as anything more than just another human. Someone he would be obliged to ignore and eventually forget about. Even with all the years of experience he had and all of the education he'd received, he still had a lot to learn it would seem.

_**The memory of that day served me well tonight as I was faced with an even greater fear.  
Her health had suddenly become a concern for me. Knowing that the human body is so susceptible to disease and other such ailments, I worried that something of that nature, something that I could do little to prevent would harm her after seeing how affected she was by the sight and smell of blood. I didn't think I could stand to see her suffer through something as routine as a head cold much less anything more serious or potentially life threatening. I had foolishly been focused on things that were too commonplace and hadn't even considered the greater risks I had somehow deemed unlikely. Now I am well aware, due to unfortunate experience, that Bella is susceptible to almost every kind of disaster. **_

_**Fear. It is not a strong enough word really. There is truly no word that could describe the feeling I had when I'd finally located her via his thoughts.**_

Edward closed his eyes tightly, hoping against hope that the action might dispel this horrible memory. He'd decided almost instantly that the specific details would never be recorded within his journal, but he knew that he would never forget the feeling or be able to erase the intentions he'd seen. Additionally, it wouldn't do for him to let his temper get the better of him right now. Bella was safe and sleeping just few feet away. The crisis had been averted and he'd been able to save her. He needed to relax before his own emotions put her in any sort of danger. Taking a ragged breath he attempted to refocus and press on. He didn't want to leave her tonight but he knew that if he couldn't get his feelings down on paper at the very least, he would be tempted to seek revenge, something he'd already promised himself he would try his best to avoid.

_**Just when I'd started to believe that I had thought of all the potential dangers Bella might be exposed to and I had worked out in my mind ways that I could protect her from such, I was reminded that there could always be something worse, something I'd not considered or prepared myself to deal with. **_

_**At any given time there would always be a handful of humans in this world that were far more sinister and devious than many vampires that I've come across over the years. I was foolish and naïve to believe that this should be any less of a concern when considering Bella's safety. **_

_**Forks is a quiet out of the way place, ideal for those like myself to live a reasonably trouble free existence and likewise, the human population of this place feels at ease, confident that they are safe in this seemingly boring little town. And as I have learned in rather dramatic fashion, the surrounding townships that usually share the same mundane daily occurrences are not without the threat of violence from such people.  
**__**I would have thought that after the level of panic I'd already experienced the day that Bella had been feeling faint, that there could be nothing worse, but I was terribly mistaken. Knowing what was on his mind, what he hoped to do and the pleasure those thoughts seemed to bring him nearly erased every bit of humanity I still possessed. **_

Edward abruptly closed his journal and had a juvenile urge to throw it and anything else he could get his hands on for that matter across the room, all the while stomping his feet in frustration. A tantrum was not the answer here and he knew that. He pinched the bridge of his nose and let his head fall back against the rocking chair he was seated in.

What he wouldn't give for just 5 minutes alone with that vile creature who had dared threaten Bella.

Edward had killed before. He had even shamefully found pleasure in the act at times, but he had never been so desperate to brutally torture a victim. He wanted his blood, not to quench his thirst, he probably wouldn't be able to stomach it anyway, but to silence this maddening rage; he wanted to hear him scream, to beg for mercy and watch the panic take over once the realization that he would die a very slow and painful death set in. It was a death that he would ultimately wish for once Edward was finished with him. He wanted to hear him plead for an end to the misery and he wanted to deny him and watch him suffer.

Edward felt the beginnings of a growl rumble deep within his chest. He needed a distraction. Closed up here in this room with his greatest temptation so near, unconscious and vulnerable was not the place for him to experience any sort of lapse in control.

If only she were awake. She could talk to him and calm him, just as she had been able to do earlier tonight. It was amazing really, the power she had over him. Just her very presence was enough to sway his temper.

Carlisle. Carlisle had promised to take care of it. He would see to finding justice for the almost crime that had taken place. Carlisle had praised Edward for his self control, for seeing to Bella's safety first and foremost and he'd be damned if he was going to disappoint him now.

He stood and walked slowly over to the window.  
He could see the tiny imperfections in the glass as he stared out into the night noticing that the rain had returned. The dense cloud cover prevented any view of the moon or the stars tonight, but it was fitting when he considered his mood. It was also a welcomed change. He would be able to attend school tomorrow as Alice had predicted. He would be able to sit and talk some more with Bella. He was sure that she would be full of questions and he longed to know what her new perception of him meant for this fragile relationship of sorts he had been attempting to build.

He hated to think about what had transpired earlier in the evening, but he honestly felt some measure of relief. It was far from an ideal circumstance but they had been thrown into the inevitable and now she knew. She knew his true nature, his darkest secret. She knew that he was a vampire and she seemed foolishly okay with it.

Edward turned slowly and watched her sleeping form for a few minutes. The rise and fall of her chest, moving in time with her deep even breathes. Her heart rate was slow and steady in her slumber; he could see the pulsating of an artery, just under the smooth skin of her neck. He smiled. Signs of life, all signs that she was well and healthy. Signs that he was once again successful in his endeavor to keep her safe, at least for now.

Just a few short weeks ago these very same observances would have been impossible to ignore. He would never have been able to stand by and study something so tempting. But tonight he did not feel the slightest urge to feed; his monster was all but lying dormant. The only thing that could possibly tempt him tonight would be the blood of one that was foolish enough to harm her.

She was amazing. So much stronger than he was. She had been the one that was attacked and threatened and she had been the one to calm and comfort him when he felt he was losing control. He couldn't think straight or make sense of what he was suppose to do next, his lust for revenge clouding his every thought, but she had persevered and helped him keep it together. Then the time had come when he could no longer hide the truth. She had seen through his carefully constructed mask and with a little help she had riddled out the mystery. And in the end she had stubbornly refused to be afraid. It was the very best and the very worst outcome he could have possibly imagined. It gave him hope for some type of future with her, but it also served to remind him of his fears. If she was not willing to be cautious and careful then it would be left up to him to be the responsible one. But was he strong enough?

He should leave now. Not only leave her room but leave her completely. He knew it would be for the best. She knew too much already and he was in too deep, but he couldn't force himself to walk away. He could see no happy ending in sight but he would stay for now. It was fear that kept him here, the fear that she might need his protection. It was an arrogant excuse and he knew that but he liked his reasoning for now. Bella was not only accident-prone but seemingly disaster prone. He could not in good conscience leave her until he knew for sure that she was safe and well cared for. He didn't know exactly what he would consider a reasonable level of safety just yet, but that suited him just fine; until he could figure it out he would remain here, always near her, willing to be whatever she needed him to be.

"I'll see you soon, my love." He whispered the words in a voice that she would never hear, but he felt better for saying it aloud. He turned then and exited her room through the window, as always. He had just enough time to feed again on his way home and change into some clean clothes before returning for her.

He was done pretending. He fervently wished that Bella had never been made to experience a night like this but in the end he was happy with the outcome. There was a huge weight that had been lifted. His secret was out. She knew that he was both a vampire and that he could hear the thoughts of others and yet she had accepted him. It would always be her choice but he had to make sure that she could make an informed decision. Edward wanted so desperately to have Bella near him but at the same time he wanted her to understand that he was no good for her, that it wasn't safe. Her knowledge of his true nature was the first step, now he just had to find the courage to explain this intense attraction that he felt for her, and in his mind there was no time like the present.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: I find myself following the order of events in the book here, though that was never my real intention with this story. The next chapter, which I hope to have up much faster than these last few that have been posted, will be more in line with my original plan.  
Thanks for reading and feel free to let me know how I'm doing here.

Chapter 8

_**I smile every time the memory comes back to mind, yet I know that I should not. I have read many accounts of this bizarre sensation and I have witnessed it in the minds of others, but to experience it for myself is something I never thought possible. To be in love is a feeling that I am learning to enjoy more and more with each passing moment. **_

_**I tried to ignore the elation I felt hearing her confirm her desire to be near me but in the end I could not fight against it any longer. Had my love been one-sided, as I had already convinced myself that it was, I might have been able to work towards my goal of leaving, but hearing Bella admit how she missed me when I wasn't around and how she felt anxious without me nearby negated any argument I might have been able to conjure up.**_

_**With each passing day I discover all over again just how wonderful and giving Bella is. Her compassion and understanding continues to astound me, but it certainly makes sense that I would be attracted to such traits. Carlisle and Esme have been the most important and influential people for me for so long, and I routinely use those very same adjectives to describe each of them.**_

_**I tortured myself for quite some time last night for being so unfair to her. She had already been through an ordeal that would have rendered the average human to nothing more than a mess of emotions and I only served to add to the stress of the situation by finally giving up this charade that I'd fought so hard to build.**_

_**To my amazement she already knew. She is truly the most observant person I've ever met. **_

_**Carlisle seems to think that the "special" abilities that I, and many others like myself, Alice and Jasper included, are directly related to similar, yet less developed abilities we had during our human lives. It makes me wonder what kind of extra supernatural trait she might possess were she like me. I hate to consider that line of thinking but I really can't help myself. **_

_**Bella becoming what I am, being cursed with this tortured existence is the very last thing I would ever allow. However, curiosity sends my thoughts in directions I cannot seem to control.**_

_**The fact is, she managed to handle everything I had to tell her with an unfathomable amount of calm, which only served to encourage me. I debated briefly how much I should tell her but it didn't take long for me to realize that I would tell her everything because she deserved to know, she deserved to understand. I would tell her whatever she wanted to know because I wanted her to truly know me. The darker more unpleasant aspects of my being were no longer off limits if it meant that she would be safe, that her own conscience might make the decision I was so unwilling to accept.**_

_**Happily though, because I am no longer willing to deny myself this ray of hope, this little blessing amongst my cursed existence, she is still here. She has not run away screaming. She has not become frightened. She has listened and she has learned and she is still willing to be with me. This knowledge has made me abandon all thoughts of leaving, for now.**_

Anticipating the end of class Edward closed his journal just a fraction of a second before the bell sounded, signaling the end of yet another period away from Bella.

He appeared to be nothing more than a diligent student today, secretly taking every opportunity he could find to scribble short entries in his journal, while his teachers assumed he was taking notes or working on some assignment. He never made much use of his vampire abilities during school--the days being long and tedious enough without some mundane activity to occupy his mind, but the work he usually took his time to complete was interfering with his personal musings today. He wanted to update his writings as often as possible, new discoveries and feelings coming to him with each passing minute of the day. He was also keeping track of Bella's whereabouts and interactions with renewed interest today. As a result he was quite thankful that his extra talents could assist him in maintaining some sense of normalcy despite his preoccupation with so many tasks.

Distracted as he was, Edward didn't give it much thought as he stacked his journal on top of 2 textbooks and the pair of notebooks he had in preparation for the next few hours, before gripping them in his capable hand and exiting the room; he was a little too busy trying to locate Bella as she moved between classes, eagerly awaiting the conversation she would be having with Jessica next period, to realize what he'd inadvertently done.

Edward had large hands, a by-product of his considerable height, and his unnatural strength made carrying even an awkward burden quite easy. He was made to notice his mistake immediately, by the suddenly excited thoughts invading his mind. Jessica's mind had quickly shifted from interrogating Bella to wistful fantasies involving his hands and various parts of her anatomy, having witnessed his effortless, yet unintentional display of strength.

Edward cringed slightly but the unexpected reaction gave him the perfect opportunity to correct his error; fumbling slightly as if his grip had faltered, he tucked the books into a more conventional hold, one that most humans could handle. He even managed a sheepish little grin, as if he was embarrassed by his clumsiness, but that only served to encourage her present line of thinking.

He was going to have to be more careful. Bella may be exceptionally observant but honestly he could recall many lapses in his judgment that may have contributed to her figuring him out. If he wasn't a bit more careful it was likely that someone else might see through the mask and put the pieces together, though he doubted it would be an easy task, despite any help he might unintentionally provide.

Slightly disturbed by his lack of poise today, Edward sat down in his desk once he'd reached his next destination and irritably flipped his journal back open. He didn't plan to write during this period, wanting to give Jessica's thoughts his undivided attention but he almost welcomed the challenge of multitasking in order to prove that he could still do so affectively.

_**People tend to shy away from my kind. We have features and mannerisms that act as not only an attractant but also a repellant to humans, thought they may not understand the conflicting responses. Their inner sense of self-preservation warns that we are dangerous. Since meeting Bella and discovering this affection I have for her, the repellant characteristics I generally have at my disposal have all but disappeared.**_

_**Bella is changing me. For the better or worse I know not, but there are changes nonetheless. My family has taken note of these changes and they seem pleased that I have abandoned my usual state of irritability in order to explore this sense of happiness that I now feel. A change in mood is one thing, but an unconscious change in the overall vibe I tend to project as a part of my unnatural nature is a bit unsettling.**_

_**I truly realized this for the first time last night. I noticed at the restaurant that our waitress seemed to be overly taken by my appearance as many humans tend to be, but what I could not understand at the time is why my efforts to dissuade her interest were not proving affective. And then it dawned on me as Bella watched me carefully adjust my features in a way that I hoped would not frighten her as we spoke of otherworldly things that should have sent her running away from me. It had become an almost unconscious habit, my efforts to seem as open and inviting as possible in her presence. I did not want her to be afraid; I did not want her to see what sort of monster I really am. And so it seems I have invited a whole new level of acceptance from those that ordinarily would fear me.**_

He was doing well with his multitasking so far. He'd completed the thoughts that he'd most wanted to purge and closed his journal, sliding it beneath his other books before opening his text to play along and pretend to be paying attention to the lecture.

Being that Edward was quite familiar with her annoying mental voice by now he was able to easily located Jessica as soon as she laid eyes on Bella.

He smiled unconsciously seeing her pictured within the girl's mind. It had been too long since he'd seen her last—2 whole hours away from her and he was already anxious to be by her side again.

He ducked his head slightly when he noticed a frightened glance come from one of his classmates that had caught sight of his exuberant smile. Uncharacteristically pleased that he seemed to still frighten at least a few people he smiled again but this time his face was hidden in the folds of his jacket.

It still smelled like her.

He inhaled deeply and felt the same burning rush of venom coat the back of his throat that he experienced when she was with him. He was getting use to the feeling, better able to ignore it, and knowing that it signaled her presence he was even starting to welcome it.

Pulling himself from his love struck pondering he focused once again on Jessica and the picture he now saw of Bella's beautiful blush.

Over the next several minutes Edward would experience a roller coaster of emotions. Mostly he was confused, which was becoming a near constant state for him with all things involving Bella. He had so many questions and so many concerns that he didn't really know where to begin. Her perception of all that had transpired so far was so different than the way he'd believed she would see it.

So much for her being observant, he realized. He felt so out of control when he was with her that he was shocked that he had yet to just come right out and profess this undying love for her, but it was becoming apparent that he might have to do just that in order to make her understand.

Bella and Jessica had both been made to pay attention to the lesson, abandoning the conversation for now, so Edward sat quietly try to absorb this new information.

He was lost in thought, not really sure whether to be upset or amused by this revelation, when the unexpected sound of Alice teasing him entered his mind. It signaled that the end of the period was approaching. At least he could go to her now and hopefully find out what she was really thinking, although he knew better than to expect that it would be an easy task.

As he made his way down to Bella's classroom Alice passed him in the hallway. He gave her an indulgent grin, which she returned while taking a moment to remind him that he would need to address certain plans for the upcoming weekend, thanks to another rare bout of sunny weather that was expected.

He nodded slightly to indicate that he understood but continued on his way. He would think about that later. It wasn't as if Bella wouldn't understand the need for a change of plans at this point but Alice nor the rest of his family knew this as of yet and he selfishly hoped to keep it that way for a bit longer if possible. For now his goal was to find Bella and try to make her understand that the depth of his feelings went far beyond anything she could possibly imagine.

He arrived just a moment before the door opened, allowing another group of students to exit the room. He could still hear Jessica badgering Bella about Mike and his response to the date they'd been on a few nights before, so he knew that she had yet to leave the room.

When they did emerge, she seemed surprised to see him there waiting for her. He was unsure which bothered him more, her reaction to his presence or what he had overheard just moments before. In greeting her he felt his body strain to keep control, his conflicting emotions making the reintroduction of her scent difficult to ignore. She looked timid and unsure as he turned and led her down the hallway towards the lunchroom. He wanted to say so much, but he was unsure of how to begin and here was not the place to stop and ponder his options.

He was worried that he may have finally frightened her with his demeanor just now, but indeed she was still following along behind him. His control was better than usual thanks to her scent lingering on his coat, although his emotions were threatening to override his thirst for once. He wanted to know what she was thinking, as always, but there was a sense of desperation present just now that he'd not felt before. Perhaps it was the intensity of his emotions or maybe the uncertain level of affection Bella held for him, but he knew one thing for sure, he couldn't avoid this topic any longer. He needed Bella to understand just how much she meant to him.

Mentally coaching himself to calm down and organize his thoughts as they approached the cafeteria, Edward suddenly realized just how much pain he was in. It was not the physical discomfort he was use to feeling when Bella was near. He was tolerably use to that feeling now, but he was hurting nonetheless.

The very thought of Bella being sad, because she didn't think that he held as much feeling for her as she did for him was heartbreaking. He felt like a failure already in this still new and undefined relationship. He wanted to fall on his knees and pledge his undying devotion to her. He wanted her to know just how taken he was with her every feature and trait, just how beautiful he believed her to be; how happy she'd made him with her acceptance of his abnormalities. But here was certainly not the place for that. Here he would no doubt embarrass her and in the process he would likely revile his secrets to far too many unsuspecting humans.

Such confessions would have to wait but the thought of waiting suddenly compounded this pain he was feeling.

Edward distracted himself by making his way through the lunch line grabbing an array of food for Bella. He still had the presence of mind to remember the promise he'd made to himself to take better care of her. After foolishly overlooking certain threats to her safety he was now focused on seeing to her every need. It may have seemed a bit much to anyone else but he would fully admit that he was desperate to keep her happy and healthy.

He was again disturbed however as he paid for the food and led Bella across the room to the table they had shared during their last lunch together. He didn't know her likes and dislikes. It became yet another detail that he promised himself he'd remedy soon enough.

Now studying the beautiful woman sitting across from him he knew that he'd better say something. She still looked terribly uncomfortable and confused. He once again found himself encouraging her to eat. He couldn't really recall what human hunger felt like but he knew damn well how it felt to be a thirsty vampire and he was unsure of why he was always needing to remind her to eat.

Trying to dominate the conversation with what he felt sure she thought was a safe topic Bella kept asking questions concerning his diet. He indulged her for a bit and shared what information he could without running the risk of frightening her. When she was clearly not going to bring up the subject he most wanted to discuss he redirected the conversation. He only had a short time with her this afternoon and he was not going to make it through the rest of the school day if he didn't manage to voice his concerns and set the record straight. He was in love with her and experience had convinced him that when a vampire found love it was a stronger emotion that anything a human could possibly fathom.

His confession was not as impassioned as he would have liked. He feared scaring her off with his declarations of love and desire but he wished with all his might that he were able to tell her how he really felt. Instead he had to settle for the most convincing explanation he could muster. The argument that he'd struggled with from the beginning. If he truly loved her as he claimed he did, he would hurt himself to protect her. And if that meant leaving he would do so. He saw her contemplate his words and he begged her to tell him what she was thinking. She knew of his ability and its limitations where she was concerned so he told himself there was nothing wrong at this point with asking her what she thought. Valiantly she tried to convince him that she cared just as much though he had his suspicions that she was editing her true thoughts, perhaps in an effort to end the conversation, which he could tell she found rather nerve wracking.

He was satisfied for now though, since thoughts of what Alice had been badgering him about resurfaced with yet another annoying reminder from his dear sister. The perfect plan was forming however, so he figured he'd save Bella some discomfort and change the subject to yet another pressing matter.

If he had all day with her, alone, where they could talk without others overhearing or distracting them he might be able to really tell her how he felt. He could placate this curiosity she'd developed and make her happy by showing her what he could hardly describe. Yes, he liked this idea very much, though the implications of being alone with her frightened him immensely. No witnesses. It was too late though, he'd already promised her and she of course had no fear of being alone with him. If nerves made him censor his words less, apparently his desire to please her made his better judgment nonexistent. The conversation once again turned back to his vampire abilities but thankfully he was able to keep the information limited by their need to make it to class on time.

Glad to have the particulars behind them Edward escorted Bella to biology. He didn't miss the way the students stared or the fact that it made Bella uncomfortable but he was not willing the back away at this point. His animal instincts dictated that he exhibit claim over what he wanted. His human side at odds with his very nature cringed a bit at the thought. They had agreed this morning that they would consider themselves a couple for the sake of appearances. He was elated that she agreed to such a suggestion but at the same time he knew that he'd have to move slowly. Bella was not good with attention from others, that much at least was easy for him to tell. But he still longed to hold her hand, carry her books, open doors and escort her to class, all things that as a gentleman he felt she deserved. Even most of the fickle, immature teenaged males he was forced to endure on a daily basis tended to act in this manner if they were dating someone, so his gestures wouldn't seem out of place most likely. But would Bella allow him to dote on her as he wished to?

When the class period ended he decided to test the theory, not yet ready to give up his time with her anyway. They chatted quietly as he walked with her to her next class, not missing the odd glances cast in their direction. The thoughts of many students that passed by were tinged with jealousy and he quite enjoyed that fact. Both male and female alike seemed unnerved by their familiarity. The boys thought that he was unworthy of Bella's attention and he couldn't agree more, but the girls were down right hostile in their feelings towards Bella. He was amused and aggravated by their shallow assumptions and it forced him to make up his mind. He wanted more than anything to touch his sweet Bella, but he was still nervous and unsure of how she would feel about his unnatural skin coming in contact with her.

He debated and struggled for a moment more and finally he let temptation get the better of him. Taking all the care he could to be gentle and reverent in his actions he traced the delicate line of her cheekbone with the first two fingers of his right hand. The feel of her skin under his sensitive touch nearly set his world on fire. She was so warm and soft, so precious.  
He could feel his control slipping so before he could do anything more he pulled away and without a word rushed off towards his next class.

As before, he pulled out his journal as soon as he found his seat. He was reeling with a newfound desire that he didn't think he could handle. He craved her blood, he wanted her companionship and now suddenly he felt an inexplicable need for something physical, something he'd not allowed himself to feel. Ever.

_**I am a horrible creature.  
I mentally reprimand the sick inconsiderate males in this school for their lewd thoughts and desires on a regular basis. I am privy to their fantasies and I have seen more than I care to acknowledge and yet I find myself unable to control my own thoughts just now. I have the utmost respect and admiration for Bella and yet I cannot seem to control myself.  
Even thinking back to when I was a human teenager I cannot recall such an intense need to**_

Edward hesitated. He was looking for a word or phase he could use to describe this need he suddenly had to know Bella in an intimate sense but he was unwilling to use the crass undignified descriptions that first came to mind. He blamed his crude thoughts on all of the unfiltered male minds he'd been forced to witness over the years. Bella deserved more from him. Additionally he knew without a doubt that he would never be allowed the privilege of knowing her in such a way. He could hardly control his thirst with all of his energy and focus trained on fighting the urge he felt to feed on her sweet blood. If he foolishly let himself indulge in other desires he would certainly harm her.

The way that her skin had flushed and her heart rate speed from just a simple touch indicated to him that she might have enjoyed the innocent intimacy he'd allowed and thus his body had taken control for a moment.

_Edward?_

Edward flinched slightly hearing his brother question him. He was suddenly grateful for his presence and extremely thankful that he and not Emmett was the one that could read people's minds.

He coughed slightly and straightened his posture.

_If you don't stop, you're gonna break that desk and I'm not gonna help you explain how you managed that either._ He teased.

Edward realized then that he had been attempting to restrain himself by gripping his seat with one hand while the other hovered uncertainly over his journal. He tossed his pen down and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, attempting to calm himself. It had been many, many years since he had reacted physically to the presence of a woman, and the last time he could recall it had been because of bloodlust. Only once had he allowed himself to feed off of a female human, his body's response to her had frightened him so that he never allowed himself to be put in such a position ever again. Now here he was in close proximity to his greatest temptation ever. Bella's blood called to him like no other and without even allowing himself to consider the possibility of feeding he was responding in a similar manner.

_Edward. Find Bella. Focus on whatever Bella is doing right now. You'll be fine, but you need to breathe._

Edward took a deep breath and willed himself to stay in his seat, the teacher having already started their lecture for the day. He wanted to hug his annoying older brother for his helpful words of wisdom. He hated that Mike Newton was his best bet for keeping track of his girl just now but he knew that Emmett was on to something.

He felt a comforting hand rest on his shoulder and give a gentle squeeze. He nodded his head slightly indicating to his brother that he would be ok.

He had no idea how he was ever going to survive Bella Swan but he thought for a few moments as he watched her fumble though gym class via Mike's internal musings, that whatever he had to suffer, it was more than worth it.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: here I go taking that creative license that goes along with writing fanfiction. *grin* I really couldn't help myself when faced with writing about my favorite characters of all time. It was far too tempting.

Chapter 9

Edward sat quietly, taking a moment to appreciate the familiarity of his favorite chair. There were times when he felt like all he did was sit and wait for the hours and days and years of his existence to pass by. But there were also times when he felt like he was always on the move, constantly thinking, searching, and working to make the most of whatever he could fit in to each day. Lately this had been more of the norm and he was now finally happy to sit and relax for a bit. His concerns and worries over the past several weeks hadn't disappeared entirely; he didn't feel like his problems had been resolved, but he did feel like he was finally on the right path.

It was a futile effort and he knew it, but he felt better for considering it anyway. At this point there were still several hours remaining before it would be an appropriate time that he could go to Bella, so he was busy using the time available to rethink everything that had happened over the past few days and he was currently questioning whether he should actually skip his favorite nightly ritual in favor of studying his options more thoroughly. In the end he would go to her, he would selfishly sit by and watch her in her most vulnerable state, fantasizing about what he could not, and by all rights should not have, but he was powerless to resist her.

As he sat quietly thinking, he tried to focus on the 3 journals that he had spread out before him. They were all similar in appearance and wear, though they were several decades apart in age. He'd chosen these 3 tonight because the compositions contain within each of them were likely the best source of information concerning his current predicament.

One of the oldest journals he possessed was a book that he still regularly made use of to this day. It was a running commentary that included facts and theories concerning his condition, known as vampirism.

It would seem that Carlisle had unwittingly started a bit of a tradition within the family when it came to chosen fields of study. Each member of the family had an abundance of time on their hands and as years went by each and every one of them had taken the time to learn as much as possible about medicine and science in general. They all had various limitations considering the special circumstances they were forced to endure but like Carlisle, Edward had managed to complete all of the traditional courses generally required within the study of medicine. It was never discussed openly but Edward, having the abilities that he did, knew that they all had the same hope that perhaps the knowledge they gained from the advances in science, that seemed to occur daily over the last 20 years or so, could help them live a more normal, if not easier existence.

_**Blood type does not seem to matter, nor does the composition of said blood sample. When a small sample of venom is introduced the reaction is always the same. Whether the sample is healthy or tainted by disease, whether it is human or animal in origin, it matters not. The vampire venom, no matter the donor, consumes the sample entirely. Starting first with the white cells, presumably to avoid any resistance, as it then moves on to all remaining elements.  
**__**As the venom eats away at the blood sample it multiplies in volume so that once it has obliterated any trace of the life giving substance it becomes all that remains.**_

**_Efforts to introduce any number of medications or other foreign substances to the process prove futile. The venom rejects any additional source of nourishment, leaving behind a pure sample of whatever medication has been attempted once the blood has been completely altered._**

Each time Carlisle had been made aware of some new life altering medication, experimental or otherwise, they had attempted these trails. And each time, much to their disappointment, the results were always the same.

Edward had always been a part of these experiments and he'd taken to making note of each and every attempt to counteract the affect of the venom that had turned them into these creatures that he so despised.

At first it was not even an attempt to fix their situation or prevent its spread to others, but rather an attempt to understand how this could happen in the first place. The science behind what took place when the venom entered the human bloodstream was light years beyond any current knowledge held by the medical world at the time.

As time went on and technology started to improve the experiments became far more complex. For example, it was now known that the venom consumed all aspects of the original blood supply within the first 72 hours following its introduction. Once the venom had fully replaced the blood supply the transformation into what is referred to as a vampire would then be complete. Because blood was no longer present within the body, the venom now filled the void, acting in much the same manner. However the need for a vampire to consume blood was directly related to the blood's absence. Venom alone could not sustain a body; it needed a food source. So with the consumption of blood one could keep the venom thriving and therefore continue to "live" and function.

Edward set aside the depressing evidence that confirmed he could not change what he was, and began rifling through one of the other journals instead.

**_I couldn't cry. I still can't. I sat for the better part of two hours on the verge of tears that would never come before finally confronting Carlisle and what he had done to me.  
_****_When I did he tried his best to explain what had happened to my body but he was woefully unable to answer many of my questions._**

Edward flipped beyond several pages before stopping to read yet another entry that he'd made shortly after his transformation.

**_It would seem that the venom has now taken over every aspect of my being. I no longer want for food of any kind. I only crave what the venom wants, which is blood.  
_**_**My happiness is dependent on the amount of blood I have consumed. Likewise my temper is kept in check or rages out of control because of my eating habits.  
**__**Emotions are no longer subject to the various hormones and enzymes my body once produced because of situations or surroundings I might have found myself in. They are instead the direct result of the venom within my body's need and desire for nourishment.**_

Edward sighed heavily. It was depressing to relive the discovery of such troublesome facts. He and Carlisle had searched for many years to uncover as much knowledge concerning their mutual condition as possible and to this day they truly knew very little. Most of their theories were nothing more than educated guesses or beliefs based on limited interaction with others sharing their similar experiences.

Edward set aside the older of the three journals and open the last one he had before him. He was making every effort to be gentle with this one, as it had seen more abuse than most over the past several weeks. It housed the memories he most cherished, his thoughts and discoveries concerning love. This was the journal that had suddenly become the one that he would treasure always.

**_My body's initial response to Bella frightened me beyond all imagination. This thirst for her blood threatened to undermine everything that I have strived to overcome for all these years. I recall feeling out of control and unable to censor my thoughts and fantasies concerning her demise.  
_****_And though I cannot claim that I have completely conquered my thirst, I suddenly find a very different type of fantasy plaguing my thoughts more so than any other._**

It embarrassed Edward to read this passage almost as much as it had when he'd written it, but admitting his weaknesses where Bella was concerned was important to him. It made him feel accountable and possibly worthy.

It made sense on many levels that his body would react to her presence. Because of his mind reading capabilities, Edward had intimate knowledge of the thoughts and memories of those around him and he knew that a male vampire's body functioned and responded to stimulation in much the same manner as a human's would, as a result. What surprised him however was that his response had been so abrupt and without warning. It had been a long time since he'd felt his body act in a manner that he did not consciously dictate and he was frightened by the lack of control he seemed to possess.

Scientific explanations could not help him. He knew that his body no longer produced hormones. His heart no longer beat. His lungs were technically, no longer necessary. All the same his body still continued to function. He was accentually frozen in a permanent state that mimicked what he was at the moment of his transformation. The fact that he was a virginal 17-year-old boy at the time shouldn't really play into this equation but he was beginning to think that it did explain at the very least this overwhelming sense of discomfort, considering the foreignness of the situation that he was now trying to analyze.

There had been nothing sexual about the exchange between them. It was nothing more than a simple touch -- a feather light caress of her smooth porcelain skin.

And there it was again. Edward closed his eyes and let his head rest against his hand, his fingers tangling in his hair in frustration as he felt his body react all over again. Just the memory of her face, the memory of the way she felt under his touch was now enough to bring forth these feelings. The venom started to flow through his body at a more rapid pace. His muscles coiled and became rigid in his excitement. He felt a shift in his ordinarily stagnant condition, which both thrilled and terrified him.

"Hey Edward." Alice sang happily, knocking lightly on his door while opening it all at the same time.

He jerked a bit from the surprise, having been so absorbed in his own thoughts that he didn't anticipate her entrance. If he still had red blood cells within his body he just knew that in that moment he would rival Bella's ability to blush like no other.

Alice of course caught his reaction and giggled a bit, unable to stifle her initial reaction to seeing such an uncommon look of confusion and discomfort pass over his features.

"What do you want, Alice?" he questioned, wondering whether she truly had a reason to be here just now or whether she might have "seen" the reaction he'd have to her interruption and just had to make sure she could witness that for herself.

"How are you feeling?" she asked sincerely instead of answering, much to his annoyance.

"Confused, frustrated, nervous," he glanced up and gave her a meaningful look before adding, "annoyed, take your pick."

"Will you be going to sit with Bella tonight?" she asked without so much as blinking.

Edward gave her another pointed look, as if challenging her to ask another question she didn't already know the answer to.

"And you can stop reciting the preamble to The Constitution over and over and just have a normal conversation with me instead, you know." He added, while closing the journals that still lay open upon his desk.

_"Don't be so grumpy, Edward."_ She responded, calling off her mental distraction tactics that she often liked to employ when she felt the need to keep something hidden from his probing mind.

_"I know you're confused and rightfully concerned just now."_ Alice sighed before continuing with the same though process, only this time she spoke aloud. "I know what you've been going through today. What you've been experiencing around Bella lately."

Edward grimaced slightly at the intrusion, although he already knew without a doubt that Alice would be privy to his latest problems. Hearing it stated so bluntly from a woman he felt so close to was embarrassing, though he knew that Alice would never judge him for something he couldn't control. And he was indeed convinced that there was no controlling this.

If that were even a remote possibility of that, he would be encouraged by this development instead of being terrified by it, as he was currently.

"I would really rather not talk about this." Edward expressed, while shifting his position in an effort to hide this predicament that fortunately was going away on its own thanks to his discomfort with the present situation.

"I just came by to check on you and to tell you that everything looks fine for the weekend at this point. I know you didn't count on this newest...issue, but maybe it's a good sign."

"Alice…" he attempted to argue.

"Seriously Edward! You've been beating yourself up for weeks now, denying your attraction to Bella, insisting that it was only bloodlust and not love. And I know that you think that this type of reaction only comes from the stimulation our need to feed produces but you just don't know!"

Edward wanted to protest but he could see that Alice was well on her way to getting good and wound up so he just let her continue without interrupting for now.

"I've seen it Edward! Something poignant is going to happen between the two of you, there is no way around it. Your destinies are entwined at this point, there is nothing you can do to prevent whatever may happen from here on out, the only thing you can do is make sure that the outcome is positive and leads toward the best scenario for everyone."

"Alice, if I act on any one of the many desires I have were Bella is concerned I can promise you with a reasonable amount of certainty that it will NOT be the best scenario for ANYONE." Edward reluctantly admitted once he was convinced that Alice had completed her miniature rant.

"You love her, Edward," she argued, "and so do I. I refuse to believe that you are capable of harming her at this point. You are much too strong for that"

"She makes me weak, Alice." Edward explained, shaking his head.

"Don't you dare blame her for your weakness!" Alice protested.

"I would never blame Bella for anything. It is a simple statement of fact; she has the ability to bring me to my knees. I'm am nothing more than a pawn ready to do whatever her heart desires."

"And suppose she wants your affection?" she challenged.

"She already has my affection." He sighed.

"And if she wants you to show her?"

Edward hesitated in his response.

"Show her how much you love her, Edward." Alice was all but pleading at this point which made Edward lower his defenses and take notice. "I miss my brother." She told him with a rather guarded expression that threatened to break his heart. "and I am more than ready to gain another sister."

Edward rose from his seat and took a few short steps to where his sister had been standing as she confronted him and held his arms open, inviting her to embrace him. It wasn't often that Edward opened himself up to such affectionate displays but with Alice he definitely had a soft spot that he couldn't deny.

Edward enveloped the tiny girl and let his chin rest atop her head. "Alice, I am convinced that Bella's arrival in Forks is not something entirely random, but perhaps fate coming into play. I cannot and will no longer deny that I am truly in love with the girl but I have to handle things the only way that I know how and that is by moving slowly and carefully analyzing my options." He explained.

Alice looked up and smiled one of her brightest smiles.

"Sunday?" she beamed.

"I think if things should go well for us on Saturday it would be wise to move forward and it would only be logical to introduce her to everyone officially. Don't you think?"

"Oh Edward, I can't wait!" she squeaked, squeezing him hard enough to shatter a rib or two had he not been a vampire himself.

"Please try to not frighten her away. I do love her, you know" he smirked seeing Alice preen with satisfaction, enjoying his new ability to speak so openly about his connection with Bella, as she had predicted.

_"Oh, you could totally introduce me tomorrow at lunch."_ She absently thought as she turned away to leave him finally.

"We'll see." Edward chuckled.

He really couldn't help but love Alice, she was definitely a bright spot in his ordinarily dreary world, so full of energy and excitement over some of the most mundane things, but at least she had passion.

Edward fell back into his old wooden chair and took a deep breath. He looked at the books splayed out over his desk's surface and smiled. Tonight his journals wouldn't be necessary, it was instead Alice that he'd needed. He confided his worries and troubling thoughts to her and she's provided the advice and encouragement he needed.

Edward stepped off of the ledge on the far side of his room and dropped the 20 feet or so to the gravel below. He stuck his hands in his pockets as he walk slowly towards the wood line at the end of their property. He would go find a little something to satisfy his thirst and then he would be off to see his Bella.

As he walked slowly into the night he smiled. He was 108 years old but he was trapped in the body of a 17-year-old boy. He'd studied and pondered his condition for years but it would seem that some things would never be discovered and some things would never change. He, for once in his life, was actually grateful that his libido seemed to indeed be intact. Whether he was ever in a position to, or ever strong enough to share any sort of physical affection with Bella, at least this was in some way a reminder that he was at his very core, nothing more than an ordinary man.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: I'm slowly (sorry about the slowly part) working my way through the family and their efforts to support Edward while he tries to figure everything out. Apparently its Carlisle's turn.

Chapter 10

Edward thought that he was becoming use to the mess of emotions that seemed to plague him, but that didn't make it any easier to deal with them.

It was so confusing how he could feel such and extreme level of happiness at one moment and such debilitating remorse and guilt the next.  
He wanted to be selfish and pursue his own desires but in the end he knew that he just didn't have it in him to be so heartless. He cared what his family thought of him, what his actions might mean for them, and he worried that his happiness was not worth the sacrifices it might force upon them. And above all he loved Bella. He would not accept any situation that had the potential to harm her.

Rosalie had been so bold as to point out the obvious to him earlier this evening, which wasn't much of a surprise to him. They'd never shared the type of relationship he enjoyed with the rest of the family; the bond that was there was formed mainly out of necessity and respect for Carlisle and Esme—nothing more. It pained him to know that she so adamantly disapproved of his choices as of late but he couldn't help but wonder how he might have reacted were their positions reversed. How would he ever face himself should any of her predictions come true?

Combing his fingers roughly through his disheveled hair Edward closed his eyes and pictured Bella in his mind.  
It had been a wonderful couple of days. He could never have imagined how freeing it would be to discuss his condition with someone so unlike himself, but it made him feel more human than he'd ever thought possible. In return Bella, all be it reluctantly, shared a bevy of information about herself. He knew that the conversations concerning her likes and dislikes were not exactly conventional but for all of his practiced patience he couldn't be bothered trying to ferret out her secrets through normal means--it just wasn't what he was use to. She seemed flustered and frustrated at times with his rapid-fire mode of questioning, but he found her reactions just at entertaining and endearing as many of her answers.

_"Rosalie's been on the warpath this afternoon, apparently it became obvious a bit earlier that Edward has in some way made Bella aware of what we are."_ Edward overheard Esme explain as she greeted Carlisle, who'd just arrived home from his day at the hospital.

"_Well, it seems that this was always an inevitable situation. Have they been behaving?"_ He wondered.

"_As well as I might have expected. Emmett took Rosalie out for a bit to cool off and Edward has been hold up in his room for the last few hours."_ Was the response.

"_At least the furniture seems to have survived."_ Carlisle joked.

Edward's expression faltered while he listened to his parents make light of the situation. He knew it was wrong to expose them this way. He hated putting his family in such a predicament as this, but Bella had proven to be trustworthy and accepting of him and by extension the rest to them. He had no doubts that she would loyally respect their secrets, and the danger that Rosalie suspected, was of little concern.

"_Is everything alright, Edward? Would you like to talk?"_ Carlisle concerned thoughts filtered into his musings again.

"Maybe in a little while." He responded quietly, reaching for one of his journals.

"_I'm always here to listen. You know that I won't judge you."_ Carlisle's thoughts answered. _" And remember that I'm always proud to call you my son."_

Carlisle and Esme's thoughts began to focus on other things allowing Edward time to think without further interruption. They knew better than to push and they knew that Edward would seek them out if and when he was ready; he'd already proven that time and time again. So patience and support was all they could offer for now.

Carlisle, he was always so understanding and so eager to do whatever might be helpful. Edward had wondered and worried about what his life as a vampire might have been like had he not had the privilege of knowing Carlisle, of having him be his creator and mentor.

**_Carlisle has been so patient and understanding with me over past several months. I am moody and sullen most of the time, but he just accepts this as being normal and expected. I've been able to recognize my own issues and shortcomings but he seems oblivious to my dark and dreary outlook._ **

"_**I've wanted and waited for a companion that I could share my existence with, someone that could share my joys and hardships with, without the secrets I'm obligated to keep from everyone else. Why would a bad mood or a bit of a temper sway me from desiring such company?" He reminds me of this often and his thoughts are genuine, I can tell, though they make little sense, when I myself can hardly stand my own company.**_

_**I have said awful and hurtful things to him in my worst moments, but I do try to apologize when my feeling regain some sense of normalcy. I am grateful for his wisdom and his compassion. Though I feel it is undeserved, is very comforting.**_

Even in the earliest moments following his transformation Edward held tremendous respect and admiration for Carlisle though he also harbored a distinct hate for what had been done to him. As time went on he realized that fear of the unknown and a measure of self-pity fueled these emotions. Once he recognized that the source of his troubles stemmed from such things and not from Carlisle directly he'd been able to forgive him, though their relationship was still full of ups and downs for quite some time.

Flipping past several pages, Edward pondered how this situation might be different were it still just the two of them, without such an extended family, but it was a fleeting thought. His eyes focused on a passage that he'd already read many times over the years. He hadn't given this incident much thought as of late but he realized in an instant just how meaningful these words might have been had he recalled them sooner.

**_My father presented me with a gift today. I've been complaining of boredom recently and Carlisle has sought to keep me happy by providing something with which I might occupy my time._**

_**Being that it has been one full year since I became a vampire, this would be considered a birthday of sorts I suppose.**_

_**We have been living in the Canadian wilderness for some time now, apart from the more populated areas. The cabin we share is lovely and modern, far more spacious than a single father and son should have need for but Carlisle has the means and has explained that my limited ability to go out on my own dictates that I should be comfortable with my immediate surroundings.**_

_**My activities are limited in that such a way that I have exhausted all of the reading material I can get my hands on. In addition to reading, I continuously write in my supply of journals and I hunt. I hunt a lot. **_

_**Carlisle has explained that my need for blood will diminish somewhat with age. The older and more practiced with control I become the longer I might manage without feeding, but for now it easier to keep my temper in check with regular nourishment. The proof is there in that I have indeed gained a reasonable amount of control over my thirst finally, though I still have some difficulty venturing out where humans are frequently present. Therefore for my own sanity and for the sake of Carlisle reputation I insist upon my own confinement still.**_

_**Having spent a full year of long sleepless nights in each other's company we are now closer and more familiar with one another than I imagine most people would ever want for. With my outrageous ability to read another's thoughts Carlisle secrets are no longer safe. I feel that it is most likely my guilt over the unintentional intrusion that loosens my tongue but it could possibly be boredom that plays some role in my own candid confessions. His thoughts are pure and genuine; he makes no attempt to hide his feelings or concerns when in my presence, which only makes it fair that I should return the favor.  
**__**Thus, Carlisle knows more about me, one year into my life as a vampire, than my human parents or even my most trusted friends ever came close to.  
**__**And yet here I sit, hiding--writing again in my journal, instead of spending time with my father—my friend. I feel so frustrated, so unworthy of his kindness. **_

_**The gift was truly magnificent. Something that I would have never dreamed of owning and yet something I could see myself cherishing always.  
My love of music stemmed from my mother's interest in the arts. She was always praising my abilities and doted mercilessly on me as a child when I would take the time to sit and play for her.**_

_**The old upright piano that sat in a cramped corner of my parents' sitting room was well worn but finely tuned and I can recall taking a measure of pride in the accomplishments I'd managed there.**_

_**Carlisle has an infallible memory so it would stand to reason that from all of my happy memories he would remember this one. So this morning when I'd retuned from an early run in the forest Carlisle had greeted me with the brightest of smiles on the front porch.**_

_**It was the single most beautiful instrument I'd ever seen up close. As well off as my parents had been it would have still taken my father too many months of hard work to afford such a thing, even if our home had been able to accommodate its sheer size.**_

_**Speechless, I walked around the piano several times in awe, unable to show my gratitude properly.**_

_**Carlisle was laughing merrily at my expression, which I could see reflected in his thoughts. I must admit it was quite comical but being overwhelmed as I was I could hardly join him in his amusement.**_

Edward couldn't read any more. A fierce growl ripped through his body as he slammed his fist down with enough force to shatter a large section of his desk, taking they book from his sight in the process.

His family was gathered at his door in an instant, shocked by the sudden outburst. Carlisle and Esme stood at his threshold, with Jasper carefully position next to Alice, who was right behind them.

"Edward?" Carlisle cautiously approached him after a silent moment.

"I'm so sorry" Edward whispered, his voice anguished.

"There's nothing to be sorry for son." Carlisle calmly stated, which only served to pull a painful sob from Edward who now hide his face in his hands.

The memories he'd sought out tonight hadn't done anything more than prove how hopeless his situation really was. He couldn't fool himself anymore and it was painful to know just how unworthy he was of something so precious.

"What is it, Edward? What can I do to help?" Carlisle wondered kneeling next to him, offering a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Looking at Edward, seeing him so torn and frustrated Carlisle remembered their early years together. He'd always been such a tortured soul, so unwilling to accept that he might deserve a break, might deserve some kindness, some happiness perhaps. He'd hoped that Bella might finally be the proof he'd always needed but seeing the defeat take over his every feature he was now concerned that Edward might never be capable of the happiness he'd always wished for him to find.

Edward slowly picked up his journal form amid the rubble and handed it to Carlisle, whispering once again just how sorry he was, casting a timid glance toward the others still gathered just outside. Carlisle frowned slightly and nodded toward the others wanting Edward to have some privacy.

"Won't you tell me?" he implored instead of reading the words written on the page, once the others had left them.

Edward had always had some difficulty verbalizing his problems, hence the journals in the first place. What training Carlisle had in the area of psychology told him that the writing, though obsessive by anyone's standards, was usually in most cases quite helpful. He felt like these journals were private and should stay that way, even being offered a rare glimpse into what Edward had been writing for all of these years he still felt like he should offer him the choice to share his feelings another way.

His voice was still as smooth as velvet; the emotions couldn't change what the vampire within him was capable of overcoming.

"I can't do this any more. I cannot trust myself to take care of something so fragile and innocent. Rosalie is right. I will hurt her. I will hurt everyone."

Carlisle waited and listened, but he didn't understand.

After a moment he glanced down at the pages before him, still held loosely in his grasp. All he had to read was one sentence.

_**Being that it has been one full year since I became a vampire, this would be considered a birthday of sorts I suppose. **_

He remembered that day so vividly he didn't need to review Edward's entire recollection to know what was troubling him. Carlisle closed the book and set it gently aside, removing his hand from his son's shoulder as he stood to his full height.

"Edward? Look at me, son." He said. His voice was gentle but full of authority.

_"You've already thoroughly apologized for this incident some ninety years ago and I was more than sincere in forgiving you then. There was never a need for your remorse to begin with, so tell me what's really bothering you, please."_

Edward knew that Carlisle was respecting his privacy by speaking to him via his thoughts. They'd been together for so long now that it was second nature for them to communicate this way, which much of the family found rather frustrating at times, but right now Edward appreciated the effort.

"I was so taken with the sight of it, its beauty and elegance. It was something I think that I had always wanted, yet had never dared to dream that I might have. I was so careful—so very careful. I tried to be gentle." Edward's voice trailed off and Carlisle nodded in sympathy. He didn't need to hear anything more. It wasn't the memory of accidentally destroying that first piano that weighed so heavily on his mind tonight, it was the ironic similarities he saw between something he'd cherished so lovingly back then with the one thing he was learning to cherish above all else.

He'd still been so young and not always in control or conscious of his strength at the time, but Carlisle wanted to make Edward happy and he knew that music was something that made him smile when all else seemed to fail. The piano was grand gesture, but Carlisle had always longed for a son and now that he had one he only wanted him to have the best of everything.

It was the first time that Edward had hugged him, the first time that he shown any outward appreciation for the effort Carlisle had put into making his new existence tolerable, if not enjoyable.

Carlisle, proud as any father might have been, having given a child a gift they truly loved, encouraged Edward to play something and he was pleasantly surprised when Edward began to play with considerable knowledge and grace. The stories he'd told about playing for his mother obviously left out any detail of the immense talent that he possessed.

Lost in the moment enjoying a relaxed feeling he'd not experienced in so long, enjoying the praise his father bestowed upon him Edward had let his focus wander. As brilliantly crafted at the piano was and as sturdy a structure as it appeared to be it was no match for the unchecked strength of a young vampire.

Edward had sat staring for a long moment at the damaged keys, hanging limp without the support of the wooden base that would ordinarily cradle them. Carlisle recalled chuckling, much like any parent who might witness their child accidentally knock over a tower of building blocks would, but the action only served to snap Edward out of his daze and into a frenzy.

He'd run for days, but eventually Carlisle was able to catch up with him. Edward was a mess of apologies, practically incoherent and totally inconsolable. Carlisle sat quietly with him day and night until he finally stopped apologizing for breaking his beautiful gift. They walked back home slowly, at something akin to a human pace; and while they walked they talked. Carlisle explained things for him aloud that he was sure Edward only knew because of his ability to see into his thoughts.  
Carlisle had been convinced at the time that it had been helpful, a learning experience, certainly something that made Edward stop and think.  
But now, tonight, he wondered if Edward had truly forgotten or if his emotions were actually in such a state of turmoil that he could no longer think rationally.

_"Edward, you are older and wiser now. I know what you are afraid of, I was there with you, remember? I would tell you right now if I had any doubts that you might be in for the same type of accident with Bella. I would never want any one to be harmed by what we are and I could never sit by and risk having to see you suffer like that ever again."_

"I can't." Edward shook his head.

_"What did I tell you when we got back to the cabin? What convinced you that you might be able to play again without destroying another instrument?"_

Edward had begun to stare off at a spot on the wall behind Carlisle but shifted his focus back to his father's face now.  
"I cannot replace her should I make a mistake or have a momentary lapse in judgment. I cannot afford to 'practice' and hope that I get better."

"_No. You are right about that. But what you can do you've already done. You have given yourself permission to try. Bella knows who and what you are. Explain to her just what that means and let her help you. Let her show you her limits. It's just like that piano; it had limits that you were unaware of until you tested those limits. With Bella she can tell you, communicate with you. You just have to be willing to listen and be honest with her about what you are capable of."_

"She knows about us." He confessed though he was very aware that they all knew by now. He searched Carlisle expression looking for any sign of disapproval. What he saw instead was an indulgent smile.

_"She makes you happy, son, and you should know by now that's all I've ever wanted for you."_

Edward stood up and looked at Carlisle with all the love and admiration he had within him and nodded his thanks.

"May I bring Bella by to meet everyone on Sunday?" he asked as Carlisle made to leave him. "If all goes well, of course." He added quietly, somewhat shyly. It was a sign of respect to ask. The Cullen's didn't necessarily need to follow the normal etiquette usually found within a family, but Edward knew how much Carlisle enjoyed his role at their patriarch and right now he really appreciated having someone to fill that role.

Carlisle turned, smiling broadly. "If you don't I'm not exactly sure what we'll do with Alice and frankly I have my suspicions that Esme may be just as excited as your sister is to meet dear Bella."

Edward's mouth finally turned up at the corner. "Alice is taking me hunting tomorrow. I tend to believe that she wants a friendship with Bella so much that she is now trying to bribe me with mountain lions."

Carlisle's laughter echoed down the hallway as he finally exited the room, leaving Edward to his own thoughts once more, and was overjoyed to hear Edward laugh along with him a moment later.


End file.
